Finding A Place To Belong
by Snowdancer
Summary: Post Kyoto Tsuzuki and Hisoka struggle to overcome their fears together, or perhaps recent events might drive them even further apart...
1. Prologue

_Warnings: Shonen-ai (Tsuzuki x Hisoka), maybe vague hints of other pairings, NCS (memories), sadism, and pretty much all of those cool stuff that comes with Yami no Matsuei. And yes, of course, bad writing._

_Rating: For now, PG-13, I guess. I'll probably raise the rating as the story progesses._

_Spoilers: Mostly for the anime. I'm not following the story of the manga, so there's no such thing as the GenSouKai arc (though Hisoka rocks in that one ^^). Some manga characters might be mentioned (i.e. Yuma, Saya, Terazuma), but they might as well not exist._

_Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the talented Matsushita-sensei. I don't own one single bit of it, and I'm not making money from this. (Besides, if I owned Tsuzuki and Hisoka, I would have better things to do than sitting around writing meaningless fics.)_

_Notes:_

_italics--flashbacks_

_//italics//--thoughts_

_:: italics ::--empathic thoughts (doesn't appear here yet)_

_Prologue_

            Fire…flames that never die…white-hot flames that could devour even the souls of those who aren't truly alive…Everything is a blur, a vague impression of what lies on that thin line between an existence and an everlasting death… There was only that certainty that death lay behind that crimson haze…

            //_Hot, everything's burning, oh no I'm losing him…//_

Hisoka woke with a start, his breathing coming in irregular gasps, only vaguely aware that his hands were clenching the sheets to his chest almost painfully.

            It's been two weeks, and he still dreams of it every night, each dream more vivid than the last. He could see everything as if it was happening right then and there, every painful detail seared into his mind. The infernal flames of Touda's fire, spreading out like crimson waves of death, burning everything within sight…

            …and Tsuzuki. Silently awaiting the end, those amethyst eyes that once held all the life in the world, now devoid of hope and spirit, a fire that had long since burned to ashes. 

            //_No! Don't think about Tsuzuki, don't think about Touda's fire, don't think about any of it! //_

Hisoka took a few deep breaths to calm himself. His dreams had always consisted of more nightmares than sweet fantasies, but in the past he had always dreamed about a demon in the disguise of a white angel, the man who had taken away the innocence, dreams and life of a thirteen-year-old child.

            Now, however, his nightmares were always of that that fateful night where Tsuzuki had almost surrendered himself to the clutches of Touda's fire. Hisoka's heart clenched at the thought of Tsuzuki leaving him. Forever. He feared the thought of being left alone once more, dreaded the feeling of emptiness that had always been his only companion.

            No one had ever cared about him before. When he died, he doubted that anyone had cried for him. His parents saw their son as an abomination, a monster in human form. His mother called him a demon, an evil spirit that wasn't her son. As a child, he sought love and comfort from his parents, a simple gesture of affection and closeness that any young child would do. In return, they beat him and confined him in the darkness of a cell. His prison. They didn't want anyone to know about their demon child, the disgrace and shame of the family. They hardly visited him in his prison. When they did, they came to lash out at him, blame him for every misfortune and accident that befell the family. 

            _"Demon child…it's all your fault! You're nothing but a curse. You don't deserve to live! Ever since you came, you've brought nothing but trouble; you're evil! You caused all the pain, demon child!"_

_            "Kaasan…please…"_

_            "Don't call me that! I'm not your mother. I can never give birth to such a monster! You're not my son!"_

***

            _You're not my son…_

            How many times had his parents said those words to him? They did so everytime they saw him. He had long since forgotten the time when they had truly loved him, when he was their little boy instead of a demon. 

            What hurt most weren't the harsh words or the repulsed faces. When they looked at him, he could feel their hatred and loathing. Every one of those feelings was directed at him. As time passed, every emotion they experienced seeped into his soul…revulsion, condemnation, and disgust at having to witness the existence of such a monster, horror that their son would turn out to be so…abnormal. 

            Their feelings were so intense that they blended with his own. He no longer yearned for human contact, for with each of their visits, he lost a little more of his identity.

            It wasn't long before he started hating himself.

***

            When he was thirteen, he left the confinements of his prison in the dark of the night. No one knew, and no one cared. 

            It was on that night that he saw something that he should never have seen—the face of a merciless killer.

            He saw him plunging the knife into chest of a woman…again and again. He could see that face twist into a smile of maniacal glee when the woman finally fell to the ground as a lifeless body.    

            The killer was dressed in a cleaned pressed suit of pure white—a demon in the guise of an angel. 

            Those insane eyes, one of them only a mechanical replica of the original, shone with an intense gleam of hunger when they noticed him, a trembling boy that simply stood there, eyes fixated on the gruesome scene before him, paralyzed by shock and fear.

            He knew he could never escape, and yet he ran. The murderer dragged him to the ground, still struggling helplessly. 

            That night, he learned the meaning of true pain. Pain that ripped through his body again and again, a merciless fire that burned within him. 

            He never knew that it could hurt so much. He didn't know that being taken that way could bring so much pain. 

            But that pain was insignificant when compared to the agony that tore through him when his murderer slowly carved that curse onto his skin, burning in every word and every stroke, making sure that he would never escape from the torture and anguish.  

            Through it all, he knew only the pain…

            …and that his killer called him his beautiful doll.

            That night, the moon burned with a crimson glow. The sakura petals that fell softly to the ground were tinged with a brilliant red—the colour of blood.   

            His blood.

***

            His murderer took away his memory of that night. Slowly, the curse that was carved onto him drew him to his death. Three years of suffering, never knowing why, only wishing that he could end his life, end this eternal pain.

            No one came to visit him in the hospital. For three years, it was only he, the empty room, and the pain.

            Three years…

            And no one ever came.

            Most people admire the beauty of the sakura blossoms.

            He hated them with a passion. 

***

            He wanted to know the cause of his death. If he had truly remembered what had happened that night, he would have wanted to forget it, to erase it from his mind.

            But he didn't remember. His killer took away his memories, and now he, being cursed with ignorance, wanted to know the reasons behind his death.

            He became a Shinigami—an angel of death, because he wanted to know.

***

            It was then that he met him. His partner in the afterlife. Tsuzuki Asato, seemingly the most cheerful and outgoing person in the world, and also, in Hisoka's original opinion, the laziest and most idiotic.

            But appearances can be deceptive. 

            And Tsuzuki was the prime example of the age-old adage. 

***

            He did get what he wanted. Finally, he met the man who killed him. The demon disguised as an angel. That demon returned him his memories, because his killer wanted him to remember…and suffer that knowledge for all of eternity.

            He finally knew the name of his killer.

            Muraki Kazutaka.

            And Muraki had him within his grasp and mercy once again.

            Muraki called him his precious toy, as he once did so long ago.

***

            Before he knew it, he was experiencing the sensation of dying for a second time.

            But Tsuzuki came. The idiot. He knew it was a trap, set by Muraki to lure him in, but he still came.

            _I know, but I can't leave you here. _

            That was what Tsuzuki had said to him. And when Muraki wanted to deliver that final blow, wanted to dispose of him once and for all, Tsuzuki took the blow that was intended for him.

            How could anyone care so much for someone that they barely knew? He had known Tsuzuki for barely a week back then, but when his life was in danger, Tsuzuki had acted as though his own life was on the line.

            _Because you're my partner._

            Such simple words. Said with such force.

            _Because you're my partner._

_            // Tsuzuki…you're such an idiot. //_

***

            _Don't cry for me, Hisoka, I'm not the kind of person who deserves this._

_            Save your feelings for someone more worthy of it…_

_            Someone who protects you, cares for you…_

_            Someone who loves you._

Someone who loved him? No one could ever love him. He's worthless, no one would ever care about him.

            _That person is right beside you._

***

            He killed her. Tsubaki-hime. He did it because she asked him to. It would have been better than letting her live as a puppet, but no matter what the reason was, it still didn't change the fact that he killed her.

            Maybe he wasn't that much different from Muraki at all. He, like Muraki, was perfectly capable of killing a person.

            _"I killed her, Tsuzuki…I'm no different from him at all…"_

_            "No! You killed her to end her suffering, while Muraki kills to make others suffer, you're not the same at all."_

_            "You'll never be like him."_

Hisoka never displayed much of his emotions. Everytime he did, he ended up getting hurt. So he simply did the most reasonable thing to do, he closed himself off from others. 

            But he allowed himself to cry in front of Tsuzuki. 

            The tears seemed foreign then. He didn't know when was the last time he had cried. There simply wasn't any reason for him to cry at all. He had no one to cry for, and he hated himself so much that he would never cry for himself. 

            But now he did. In front of a person he knew for a few months, he cried for the loss of a life of another that he knew for an even shorter period.

            Because he was the cause of her death.

            And somehow…with Tsuzuki it didn't matter. 

            He trusted Tsuzuki enough to display his emotions in front of him.

            Why? He didn't know.

***

            Tsuzuki always seemed so cheerful and positive that most of the times he appeared idiotic. In fact, he frequently ended up giving Hisoka headaches. 

            But thanks to his empathic powers, Hisoka knew that Tsuzuki was actually grieving within. Even though Tsuzuki's ever-too-cheerful sometimes got on his nerves, he admired his partner's ability for being able to maintain a cheerful exterior in front of others.

            When Hisoka asked, Tsuzuki would never tell him. Tsuzuki was forever pestering Hisoka about _his_ worries, but he would never tell Hisoka his own. Sometimes Hisoka felt like yelling at him for being the hypocrite that he was. Which was to say that he did exactly that.

            He couldn't understand why, but it hurt him when Tsuzuki refused to tell him anything.   
            To Hisoka, it meant that Tsuzuki didn't trust him enough to tell him.

            It hurt him to see Tsuzuki in pain, while all he could do was stand by and watch.

            He told Tatsumi that he didn't know Tsuzuki as well as Tatsumi did, but Tatsumi said that he was wrong.

            Till now, he wasn't sure if Tatsumi was right. Hisoka wanted to understand Tsuzuki, but that didn't mean that he did.

            But it didn't stop him from wanting to understand.

***

            _"Hisoka, am I human?"_

_            "Of course you are."_

_            "My eyes…Muraki said that no human could have eyes of this colour."_

_            "You're human! I say so!"  
            "Do you…really believe that?"_

_            "Baka! I wouldn't say it if I didn't!"_

***

            It was when he saw Tsuzuki amidst the flames, doing nothing except awaiting his death; it was then that he realized how much he had come to depend on Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki was the one who taught him how to feel, how to accept other's feelings. 

            Tsuzuki was the first person who didn't hate him.

            He couldn't let Tsuzuki die.

            But that was what Tsuzuki wanted.

            Just to die, and be able to be free from all the pain, guilt, regret, sorrow…

            But Hisoka couldn't let him go.

            He told Tsuzuki he needed him. That his only place was by Tsuzuki's side, and whatever path Tsuzuki chooses…

            Whatever his choice is…

            Hisoka will follow.

            And Tsuzuki asked him if he could truly stay with him.

            For that one moment, Hisoka couldn't answer. A barely discernable nod was all he could give in response.

            And then the world disappeared in the black fires of hell.

            Somehow, he wasn't afraid. If this was what Tsuzuki wanted, if this was the only way to free Tsuzuki from his pain…

            He would be willing to take it.

***

            By some unfathomable stroke of fate, they survived.

            Maybe he was a little selfish. All Tsuzuki wanted was to be free from his pain and guilt, and he had to deny him even that.

            Because he couldn't live without him.

***

            Purple eyes…a colour that no ordinary human could ever have. Muraki told Tsuzuki that he was a demon.

            Tsuzuki himself believed that he was a demon.

            But Hisoka had never met anyone who was more human than Tsuzuki.

            For his entire life, Hisoka had been called a demon by his own parents. A monster that didn't deserve to live.

            But now he knew that those words weren't true.

            So Tsuzuki, like him, is just another human. 

            And the colour of Tsuzuki's eyes…

            Hisoka felt that those amethyst eyes were the most beautiful that he had ever seen. 

***

_-- How was it? Feedback, please? I'm terribly insecure about this. I won't continue if nobody likes it._


	2. Chapter One

Chapter one 

           Tsuzuki walked into the office casually, humming softly to himself as he did so. As usual, each time he met one of his colleagues, he automatically tossed them a cheerful smile. It was rather difficult at first, most of them would be immediately concerned and shower him with tons of question—are you alright? Do you need anything? They were all trying so hard to not mention the words 'Kyoto, murder...' that it was almost painfully obvious what they were doing, not to mention the fact that they continually shot him looks of sympathy and worry. Time did solve most problems, though. Soon everybody came to believe that yes, Tsuzuki was alright and back to his normal idiotic and incorrigible self. Well, almost everybody, anyway. 

            Tatsumi would always look at him with this expression of understanding and mild sorrow, especially when he thought that Tsuzuki was not looking. Tsuzuki pretended not to notice, but it was hard not to. All of his closest friends knew that he hadn't really gotten over the ordeal, and every one of them was treading on fragile ground around him. It hurt. It only made it even more difficult for him to forget. He wished that he wasn't getting those looks of commiseration and pity.   
They seemed to tell him that he was never going to be free from this, that no matter what he did, he could never get past this.

            As usual, Tsuzuki's first stop was the break-room to check for any leftover cakes or sweets. That, like his carefree attitude, was what all his casual friends took to be one of those signs that say 'Tsuzuki Asato's back to normal'.  

            His eyes fell onto one single donut with chocolate frosting and sprinklings of chocolate and vanilla chips. He was just about to reach out for it, when…

            Another hand snatched it away from him. 

            "Sorry, I'm hungry. This one isn't available, find something else," an extremely familiar voice told him wryly.

            "Hi-so-kaaaa!" Tsuzuki wailed, lunging for the donut in Hisoka's hand.

            His younger partner deftly leapt out of the way, and while looking at him calmly, tore off a piece of the donut and started munching. 

            Tsuzuki gaped in shock. His donut…

            "Mou…you're mean!" That said, Tsuzuki pounced for the donut again, and this time managed to tackle Hisoka to the ground and grab the object of dispute.

            Hisoka merely glared at him, called him a moron and got ready to leave the room. 

            However, Hisoka was effectively stopped in his tracks with Tsuzuki trying to stuff a piece of the donut into his mouth.   
            "What do you think you're _doing_!??" Hisoka asked in a strangled tone, trying to push him off while choking over bits of donut.

            "Hi-so-kaaa, you said you were hungry so I've decided to share! Can't have you fainting on me, can I?"

            "What did you mean by _that_?! Get off me, baka!" Hisoka yelled indignantly, finally managing to swallow the offending piece of donut. 

            "Mou…growing children need lots of nutrition!" Tsuzuki decided to skip over the fact that it was impossible for Hisoka to grow and thus did not need nutrition before resuming his initial task of feeding his partner.

            "I said GET OFF ME!" If anything, that irritated Hisoka even more. "And I am NOT a child!" 

            "Come oooonnn…"

            "You can have all of it! You were fighting for it in the first place anyway!"

            "Nooo…you're hungry…"

            "I told you…!!"

            Just right at that moment, Tatsumi walked into the room. 

            Predictably, the room went dead quiet.

            Tatsumi studied the scene before him and arched one of his eyebrows quizzically.

            It didn't take a genius to know how they must have looked, with Tsuzuki practically all over a disheveled Hisoka, complete with the half-eaten donut. The liberal amounts of chocolate and vanilla chips sprinkled all over both of them didn't do anything to help either.

            "Tatsumi!" Tsuzuki exclaimed joyfully, blissfully unaware of the impending doom, "I was just trying to get Hisoka to eat!"

            Tatsumi's eyebrow rose even further. 

            Tsuzuki noticed that he was still holding Hisoka, whose cheeks were already a bright red. 

_            // Hisoka's cute when he's blushing…// _Tsuzuki mused inwardly.

            "Ahh…Tsuzuki-san, I'm glad to see the two of you recovering so well," Tatsumi commented, his tone hinting at a dozen other different meanings.

            That did it. Hisoka was blushing so fiercely that he had turned the colour of sunset.

            "Tsuzuki, get off me!" Hisoka hissed as softly as possible, though by the looks of it, not soft enough, since Tatsumi's lips quirked ever so slightly.

            Tsuzuki immediately released him. Hisoka was looking as if he would die for a second time from embarrassment any moment. Tsuzuki wondered why.

            "Hi-so-kaaa…"

            Hisoka merely glared at him as though something was _his_ fault for some reason, said a curt 'Ohayo, Tatsumi-san', and stalked out of the room.

            Tatsumi busied himself with a cup of tea, noting with amusement that Tsuzuki was staring after Hisoka, blinking in bafflement. Obviously Tsuzuki truly didn't understand. Really, Tsuzuki can be hopelessly unaware of the situation at times.

            Tsuzuki suddenly remembered that Tatsumi was still in the room. 

            "Morning, Tatsumi!" 

            Tatsumi narrowed his eyes significantly, "Speaking of mornings, Tsuzuki-san, I supposed I should count myself fortunate that you were late for work by fifteen minutes instead of twenty today." 

            Tsuzuki coughed uncomfortably. Casting around for a subject to serve as some distraction, he suddenly said, "I'm got to go and look for Hisoka!" before trying to leave the room as fast as possible without making it _too_ obvious. Which was probably wise, as Tatsumi was about to suggest deducting the unattended time from Tsuzuki's salary. Considering the pitiful amount of a Shinigami's pay and Tsuzuki's impressive sum of increasing debts, the effects could be rather disastrous.

            "Please inform Kurosaki-kun that there'll be a staff meeting in half-an-hour's time, Tsuzuki-san," Tatsumi said. 

            "Haaaai!!" Tsuzuki called back before disappearing down the hallway.

            Tatsumi almost smiled when he saw that Tsuzuki took the donut along with him as well. The fact that the purple-eyed Shinigami hasn't devoured it yet was a near miracle by itself. Apparently, Tsuzuki hasn't quite given up on feeding his younger partner. 

            Tatsumi sipped at his coffee thoughtfully. It might not be obvious, but Tsuzuki had already managed to work wonders on the boy. Tatsumi could still remember the cold, detached teenager that first entered Enmacho. Within the short span of time that those two had worked together as partners, Hisoka had already learned, tentatively, to accept human contact. 

            Hisoka was the one who risked his life and jumped into the flames to save Tsuzuki. He was the one who insisted on saving Tsuzuki when Tatsumi himself was already resigned to let him die. 

            Maybe, just maybe…Hisoka could redeem Tsuzuki from the darkness of his soul.__

            All Tatsumi ever wanted was Tsuzuki's happiness. If Hisoka were the one to grant Tsuzuki that, Tatsumi would do anything to make sure that Kurosaki-kun did exactly that.

***

            "Hi-soo-kaaa!!!" 

            Hisoka quickened his pace. Why can't Tsuzuki ever give up? The idiot had to come looking for him. But of course, it was Tsuzuki's nature to be friendly and caring towards everybody, even to the point that it became a distraction. 

In fact, Tsuzuki cared so much that he hurt when he saw others suffering. He took it as a personal blame when he saw the people around him in pain. No wonder he became suicidal.

            It still confuses Hisoka that someone could care so much for others. Maybe it was because Hisoka had never received any form of love from other humans. Tsuzuki's open concern for him knocks him off-balance.

            Even after he had learned to accept it, Tsuzuki's enthusiastic nature managed to frighten him occasionally.

            Like now.

            "You should have waited for me!" Tsuzuki lamented. Not for the first time, Hisoka cursed himself for being eternally stuck in this puny sixteen-year-old form. No matter how fast he walked, it only took a few of Tsuzuki's much longer strides to catch up. 

            "Why should I? Baka," Hisoka retorted. 

            "Because I'm trying to make you eat!"

            Hisoka felt his cheeks burning at the reminder of what had happened a few minutes ago. 

            "I do _not_ need help in eating! Besides, it was _you _who took _my _food in the first place! Idiot!" Even as he said it, Hisoka knew that it wasn't entirely true. Tsuzuki had been eyeing the donut before he made a grab for it. It was also common knowledge in Enmacho that Tsuzuki Asato had unwritten claim to any leftover desserts in the morning. Maybe it was because nobody could resist Tsuzuki in his puppy-dog form.

            In fact, Tsuzuki was using that very trick right now in full force. 

          "What do you want _now_?" Hisoka demanded exasperatedly. Even so, the words weren't as snappish as he had wanted them to be. Horrors. He was actually falling prey to a purple pair of puppy-dog eyes. 

            Tsuzuki handed him the half-eaten piece of donut. 

            Hisoka blinked. And blinked again.

            Tsuzuki couldn't be _serious_.

            "I don't want it. Honestly," _//Idiot//_

            "It's unhealthy to go without your breakfast!" To Hisoka's dismay, Tsuzuki looked as if he were about to start feeding him again.

            "It isn't as if I could die from starvation, much less the lack of one breakfast!" Hisoka snapped. 

            "Even Shinigami need to replenish their energy," Tsuzuki told him in a perfectly serious tone.

            "Why do you bother if I eat or not anyway?" Hisoka fought down the urge to whack the older Shinigami right then and there.

            "Because you're my partner!" Tsuzuki whined, "You're like the little brother I never had!" 

            Hisoka didn't need to look into a mirror to know that he was blushing. Again. Damn blushing reflex.

            "Little brother? I think you're old enough to be my grandfather," Hisoka said dryly in a vain attempt to cover his own embarrassment. He considered it for a moment. "No, maybe a great-grandfather would be more appropriate."

            "Hi-so-kaa!!" Tsuzuki suddenly grinned mischievously. "All right. Great-grandfather hereby commands you to eat your breakfast. Listen to your elders, kid."                                                                                                                                                                 

            Hisoka's glare could have murdered him on the spot if he wasn't already dead. Tsuzuki knew perfectly well that he hated being addressed as 'kid'.

            "I can feed you if you want…"

            Hisoka gave up. He was_ not_ going to let the idiot embarrass him like that again. He sullenly took the piece of donut from Tsuzuki and proceeded to eat it on a nearby couch.

            Tsuzuki joined him on it and watched him take every single bite.

            Sighing, Hisoka divided the remaining donut into two and handed one to Tsuzuki. He was rewarded for his efforts with an enthusiastic puppy topped with a furiously wagging tail. 

            "Sankyuu, Hisoka!" Hisoka wondered why Tsuzuki always chose to say that in his warped version of English. A personal trait, perhaps. Everybody else seemed to find it cute.

            They just sat there in silence. Hisoka studied Tsuzuki from the corners of his eyes, his mind once again wondering at the complexity of his seemingly brainless partner.

            Tsuzuki always seemed so cheerful. But Hisoka could tell that he was hurting, as always. All those years of guilt and depression…and still Tsuzuki insisted on keeping this positive facade. Hisoka felt like yelling at him for it, but it hurt Tsuzuki even more if others took pity on him. 

            So Hisoka allowed him to continue with this senseless farce, and if Tsuzuki wanted to go on pretending, so could he.

            He was startled from his reveries with Tsuzuki suddenly jumping up and exclaiming with alarm, "I forgot! There was supposed to be a staff's meeting!"

            "There was a _what_?"

            Tsuzuki grinned sheepishly. "I totally forgot about it when…" He grabbed Hisoka by the arm. "Come on, we'd better go before Konoe-kachou's goes on a warpath!"

            "Whose fault will _that_ be?" Hisoka gave him a withering look. "And let go of me! I can walk!"

            "Aww…it won't hurt…" Tsuzuki kept his grip on Hisoka's arm, ignoring Hisoka's protests and struggles.

            They entered the meeting room to find five pairs of eyes staring at them. Watari immediately started gesturing towards Konoe-kachou frantically while trying to get the message through to Tsuzuki with almost senseless sign language. Konoe _was_ close to exploding, it seemed. He looked like a thundercloud.

            Tatsumi adjusted his glasses and coughed significantly. Tsuzuki wilted. 

            "You're late by twenty minutes," Konoe said with a distinctively strained tone to his voice, the tone of a man whose patience was about to be exhausted, not that Konoe had much to begin with, anyway. But then, Tsuzuki by himself was enough to test anybody's limits.

            "_Both_ of you," Konoe continued, his tone now disbelieving. It was perfectly understandable. Hisoka himself was hardly, if ever, late.

            Tatsumi cleared his throat. "I told Tsuzuki-san to inform Kurosaki-kun of the meeting."

            "No wonder," Konoe said while glaring daggers at Tsuzuki. He then gave Tatsumi a look that said 'How could you trust that idiot to do _anything_?'

            Hisoka watched impassively as Tsuzuki cowered under all those accusing looks. He remembered that a month ago Konoe would descend on Tsuzuki with all the wrath of Hell if Tsuzuki forgot about a meeting. Now all he did was glower at Tsuzuki with hardly a few sentences of reprimand.

            Tsuzuki sat down dejectedly. No one else knew, but Hisoka could sense an extremely faint wave of anguish from him. Tsuzuki was surprisingly adept at shielding his emotions from Hisoka's empathy, mainly for the reason that he didn't want to harm Hisoka with his onslaught of emotions. But there were times, like now, when a little of his emotions would leak through those carefully erected wards.

            Tsuzuki knew that Konoe pitied him. And he was sinking back into his original depression because of it.

            Hisoka wanted to help him, but he didn't know what to do.

            How could he comfort someone who was so determined to condemn himself?

            He suddenly realized that Tatsumi had already begun to give them a briefing of the meeting they had missed. No one had noticed his inattention, but Hisoka felt an unbidden heat rising in his cheeks. He ducked his head down to hide his blush.

            "Tsuzuki-san, Kurosaki-kun, it seems that a new case has turned up in the second district. Your presence is required as soon as possible." Tatsumi gestured at the screen before him.

            "These photos are of people whose names have appeared on the Kiseki. However, their souls have not arrived in Meifu."

            Hisoka studied the photos. Every one of the victims appeared to be in their teens. 

            "They seem to be very…wild teenagers," Tsuzuki observed.

            Privately, Hisoka had to agree with that. Their outfits came in all colours, if what they wore could be considered clothes. Tattoos seem to be a fashion among them too. Dyed hair, nose rings, belly rings…you name it, they have it.

            Tatsumi nodded. "They all come from an unruly area that's also considered to be part of the underworld."

            "Until now, their cause of death is still to be ascertained," Watari added.

            Hisoka saw Tsuzuki stiffen noticeably. Hearing about unnatural deaths must have brought back unpleasant memories for him. Hisoka himself was trying to force down the unpleasant visions that were threatening to overwhelm him.

            "No curse marks, no magical signature, nothing suspicious at all," Watari hurriedly went on, conscious of the tense air in the room, "They just…died. And their souls are lost."

            "So we're supposed to find out the reasons of their death and bring their souls back," Tsuzuki remarked.

            "Yes, and as fast as you can," Konoe confirmed, "We can't have all those lost souls wondering about the place."

            Find out why they died and bring them back. A perfectly ordinary case. The type that crops up every month. Hisoka knew that he and Tsuzuki weren't going to be given anything remotely challenging in a long, long time.

            It might be too much to hope for, but maybe Tsuzuki could forget about his own depression if he had a case to work on to occupy his attention.

            "You're expected to be there tonight," Konoe told them.

            "And as always," Tatsumi said with a smile while giving Tsuzuki a warning look, "Remember not to overspend."

***

            "So, we're finally back on field duty," Tsuzuki said finally, trying to break the awkward silence. Hisoka had already finished his own packing, and he had come over to Tsuzuki's apartment. They were leaving once Tsuzuki was ready. 

            "Ah." Hisoka said, not sure on how he was supposed to answer that. He usually appreciated the efforts Tsuzuki put into mental shielding. After all, it prevented Tsuzuki's emotions from overloading Hisoka's senses. But now, Hisoka found it a terrible inconvenience. He couldn't tell what was on Tsuzuki's mind right now. He couldn't read the man's facial expression either. Being an empath meant that you didn't have to rely on things like that to know what others were thinking. Naturally, Hisoka was clueless when it came to understanding people's body language. And Tsuzuki claimed that Hisoka had already made great progress when it came to reading _his_ expressions. Hisoka couldn't help thinking that Tsuzuki was lying when he said that. Hisoka sure didn't know what he was thinking at this very moment.

            "Actually…" Tsuzuki went on hesitantly, stopping in the middle of his packing, "I'm kind of glad, that we're going for a mission, I mean."

            Hisoka blinked in surprise. He was afraid that Tsuzuki wouldn't want to be reminded of others' deaths, something that he had to in contact with constantly, since he was a Shinigami. And now Tsuzuki said that he was glad…Tsuzuki was definitely lying when he said Hisoka understood him from the way he acted. Hisoka was sure about that now. That distressed him greatly, for some odd reason. He wanted to understand what Tsuzuki was going through, he wanted to know everything about his partner, but everytime he finds out something new, Tsuzuki would either do or say something that bluntly told him that he actually knew nothing about him at all. 

            "Why?" he finally asked blankly. 

            "I…I can get away for a while, you know…" Tsuzuki bit his lip painfully.

            Hisoka finally understood. Tsuzuki was relieved at the chance to escape from his friends, thankful for the opportunity to avoid the pitying and concerned looks from the others. 

            "I need…to be alone for a while, I think," Tsuzuki said uncertainly, "I feel that I need the privacy…to think."

            "You're not going to be completely alone, you know." Hisoka reminded him. He didn't know what he was supposed to make of it. Was Tsuzuki asking him to leave him alone? Please, tell him that he didn't mean that. He didn't know that he was going to do if Tsuzuki told him to get out of his life. He didn't want to be alone again…

            "No, no no no," Tsuzuki said almost frantically, "I didn't mean you." Hisoka couldn't help but feel weak in the knees from relief. He hadn't said what he had thought out loud, but Tsuzuki already understood what he meant. At least Hisoka could rest assured that he was the only clueless one here. There were times when Tsuzuki could be amazingly perceptive.

            "I just mean…the rest, you know," Tsuzuki said earnestly. "You don't count, you're different. You're just…there."

            Hisoka honestly didn't know if he was supposed to take _that_ as a compliment or an insult.

            "I mean…you don't _impose_." Tsuzuki said, "You never do anything that would make me uncomfortable. You're there when I need you, and I appreciate that. You understand in a way that others don't."

            There he goes again. Saying that Hisoka understood him when Hisoka had trouble analyzing what he meant from one minute to another. 

            Tsuzuki lifted his head to meet Hisoka's eyes. They stared at each other for a few moments before Hisoka broke the gaze uncomfortably, turning his head away so that he didn't need to decide what he was supposed to do or say. 

            Did he just see a flash of disappointment in Tsuzuki's eyes? It must have been his imagination. What was there for Tsuzuki to be disappointed about? He must be getting so worried that he might hurt Tsuzuki unintentionally that he automatically assumed that every expression was a negative one. Yes, that must be it.

            Tsuzuki resumed his packing. None of them spoke for quite some time.

            As Tsuzuki placed the last few items before he zipped his bag, he suddenly said, "You know, that wasn't the only reason. Why I was glad that we were going, I mean."

            Hisoka waited for him to finish.

            "This means that I won't have to be alone for a few days."

            Hisoka stared at him. "Did I hear that correctly? You just said that you wanted to be alone, and now you say you _don't_ want to be alone."

            Tsuzuki laughed awkwardly. "I also said that I didn't mind being with you."

            He finally finished packing and looked into Hisoka's eyes. "I want to be alone, but not without you."

            "Especially at night…I don't want to be alone. Sometimes I wished you were there. No, not sometimes. Always."

            Hisoka could feel himself blushing. And Tsuzuki was looking at him directly, with no way for him to turn away or hide.

            "I dream of it every night."

            Hisoka looked at him in surprise. This time, he knew without doubt what Tsuzuki meant. He was talking about the night when he tried to kill himself. About the flames, the fear, the pain, and a thousand other things that Hisoka understood perfectly.

            Tsuzuki dreamed about it too. He shared Hisoka's hidden fear. And Hisoka knew that Tsuzuki's dreams also included the memories of a time in his buried past, memories that Tsuzuki constantly tortured himself with.

            "I dream about it too." This time, it was Tsuzuki's eyes which widened in surprise.

            "Every night," Hisoka told him.

            "And…and I don't want to be…alone either."

            At that, Tsuzuki smiled. A true smile. 

            Hisoka hadn't thought that he would get the chance to ever see Tsuzuki smile like that again.

***

-- _Ahh…the pain of someone who doesn't know one single bit of Japanese geography. (I dumped everything I learned back to my geography teacher after I dropped the subject. @-@ ) Notice that I hardly (if ever) make any kind of references whatsoever to any places in Japan. I don't want to make an idiot out of myself. So…use your imagination, guys! (or in this case, your geographical knowledge ^^)_

_-- Thanks for all those kind reviews. (wipes tears from the corners of her eyes) I have no illusions about my writing skills (whatever they are, they're not great), and it really helps me if people say that they like what I write.  _


	3. Chapter Two

_Warnings: Um…very mild NCS, and some mention of certain stuff that's deemed unsuitable for little toddlers. Whatever. It's still kid-safe in my opinion._

_Chapter Two_

            Tatsumi wasn't exaggerating when he defined this area as 'unruly'. In fact, it was probably the understatement of the century. 

            The dark alley that he and Tsuzuki were standing in right now appeared to be the territory of…

            Hisoka started blushing profusely. Thank gods that the dank alley had nothing to boast about in terms of lightings. 

            The voices of women calling out seductively to um…prospective customers seemed to dominate the air of the place.

            That wasn't all. 

            There were _men_ among them. Not men as in customers. Those men were doing exactly what the women did for a living.

            The thought of that brought back unwelcome memories.

            _The night when the moon burned with a crimson glow, when the sakura petals were tainted with the colour of blood…_

            Hisoka shut his eyes tightly to suppress the painful reminders of his past.

            He felt Tsuzuki's hand brush lightly against his. Without asking, Tsuzuki clutched his hand in a grip so tight that it almost hurt.

            Hisoka certainly didn't mind. In fact, he grasped Tsuzuki's hand almost desperately. Tsuzuki had even lowered his mental shields by the merest fraction of an inch, just enough to allow that gentle worry and concern to wash over Hisoka like a soothing balm. Something that Hisoka urgently needed.

            As always, Tsuzuki understood what he was thinking, and he offered exactly what Hisoka needed to prevent him from collapsing.

            Again, Hisoka couldn't help wincing at the thought of almost losing this steady pillar of support. He was already too dependent on Tsuzuki to be able to survive without him. 

            Tsuzuki didn't let go of his hand at all as they made their way down the alley. If anything, he pulled Hisoka closer protectively.

            They were stopped by a man who stood in the middle of their way, adamant in his refusal to move when Tsuzuki politely asked him to let them pass.

            The man had obviously been living in his clothes for days, and he had a stench of stale wine around him. Bloodshot and unfocused eyes due to the influence of alcohol blinked at them as the man fumbled his way closer. In short, a drunk.

            "And why should I let you pass?" the man slurred, leering at them. 

            Tsuzuki ignored him and tried to push past him. 

            "Such rudeness…" the man hissed, "I can pay for what I want, you know!"

            Hisoka yelped when the man suddenly made a grab for him. 

            "Come on, pretty boy…how much do you want for a night? Name your price," he drawled.

            Hisoka stiffened in fear. 

            _Come, my pretty toy…my beautiful doll._

            The emotions that he was receiving from the man only made the panic rise within him.

            _:: lust desire hunger an almost animalistic need ::_

_            // Oh gods it's no different from that night...do something. Must do something. Somebody please help me! Please!! //_

            Hisoka stared vacantly as the man collapsed when Tsuzuki delivered a firm punch to the middle of his face.

            He vaguely felt Tsuzuki pull him into his arms, his mind only dimly registering the comforting litany that Tsuzuki was saying desperately. 

            Why were his hands trembling? Oh wait, his entire body was quivering. 

            _Rough hands roamed his body…touching places that he wanted nobody to touch, intending to bring only pain…_

_            // The pain…it hurts. How it hurts… //_

"Hisoka!!!!" Somebody was shaking him roughly. 

            _// Tsuzuki //_

            "Hisoka, snap out of it! Hisoka!" Tsuzuki's sounded cracked with fear and alarm. 

            Slowly, Hisoka brought his eyes to focus. Tsuzuki's amethyst eyes came into view, the purple depths revealing that Tsuzuki was almost on the verge of panic.

            "Hisoka?" The hug tightened as Tsuzuki buried Hisoka in his chest in relief.

            Hisoka lifted his head to gaze at his partner.

            Tsuzuki looked so worried. All because of him.

            Hisoka cursed himself for being so utterly useless.

            "I'm fine," he made himself say, "Why don't we just go on…"

            "No," Tsuzuki said firmly. "We're going back. Right now."

            Hisoka didn't argue with that. 

***

            "I'm not going to continue with this case," Tsuzuki declared.

            "Tsuzuki, just because…" Hisoka attempted to talk him out of it.

            "It not 'just because'! Look at what happened to you!" Tsuzuki cut in angrily. "This. Is. Just. Plain. Ridiculous."

            "Look, if it's just for the reason that I freaked out at the sight of a drunkard…" Hisoka retorted.

            "We're quitting. Finished. End of story." Tsuzuki stated, his voice rising slightly in volume. 

            "You're being unreasonable," Hisoka snapped back. He hated himself for using that tone of voice even as he said those words. Tsuzuki was only being concerned, after all. 

            "I'm not! I'm not going to stand by while you have to go through all of that! You know perfectly well that…"

            "Exactly! Don't you understand? _I_ **_need_**_ to get past that!_" 

            Tsuzuki fell silent.

            Hisoka sank back onto the bed in exhaustion. They were in the motel room that Tatsumi had booked for them in advance. Considering how tight-fisted Tatsumi was with his money, this room was actually…acceptable. At least, it offered all the basic necessities. Which was saying quite a lot since Tatsumi would dump his workers in an abandoned storehouse when it suited him. 

            They have already been having this full-scale argument for the past half-an-hour. It was a wonder that none of their neighbours had come yelling at the door.

The motel might be of high standards when you're under Tatsumi Seiichirou's supervision, but the walls are definitely more than a little flimsy. The room actually trembled if you raised your voice. And both of them have been doing that for a considerable number of times during their quarrel.

            "I need to get past that," Hisoka repeated tiredly.

            Tsuzuki looked as if he had just suggested that they go for a vacation at Timbuktu.

            "Hisoka, no one's blaming you for suffering from your past…"  

            "I _know_. But I don't want to keep going through this…"

            Hisoka buried his face in his hands.

            "I don't want to keep thinking of _him_, of what happened…I'm so sick of all of this."

            This time Hisoka looked up to meet Tsuzuki's eyes directly, his eyes exceptionally determined and defiant.

            "I said that I could defeat Muraki. You told me that we could do it together." Hisoka was getting extremely angry with himself.

            "Then why am I still losing all sense of self-control when I see something that remotely reminds me of him?" he demanded.

            "Hisoka, it more than 'remotely reminds' you of him," Tsuzuki argued heatedly, "That jerk just now was trying to force himself on you!"

            "That's not the point." Hisoka punched a pillow in frustration. "It's far from it. I'm never going to get anywhere this way."

            Tsuzuki looked ready to disagree with that. Hisoka staved off any arguments he was going to make.

            "I need to get on with my existence. And I'm not able to if I'm constantly haunted by my past. I need to prove to myself that I'm not going to let that bastard control my life."

            Hisoka's features firmed with a new sense of purpose. 

            "And I'm going to start off with_ not_ letting some random drunk pervert freak me out."

            He looked at Tsuzuki expectantly.

            "You promised me that we could do it together, after all," Hisoka said quietly, but those emerald depths almost revealed the ever-conflicting emotions within him, the uncertainties that he faced. That promise meant a lot to him, and if Tsuzuki refused…

            Tsuzuki still looked unconvinced, and he almost seemed to want to argue with that. But the underlying expressions in Hisoka's eyes must have told him not to, and he finally sighed in resignation, "Fine, but next time something like this happens, we're definitely quitting."

            Hisoka merely nodded, words once again failing him. Always, he had difficulty expressing his thoughts in words. He doubted he could ever tell Tsuzuki how important his every promise meant to him. The promise to protect him, the assurance that he would keep him safe…

            Tsuzuki always offered him the confidence and self-belief that he desperately needed. But would it ever be enough?

            He didn't think it was wise to tell Tsuzuki that he had no idea at all on _how_ he was supposed to overcome his fears.

***

            "Well, this is it," Tsuzuki said, checking his directions for the hundredth time, mainly because Hisoka insisted that he did so. Hisoka had no love for this place at all, and he harboured no intentions to spend a few hours of his afterlife getting lost in this hellish place just because he was stuck with Tsuzuki Asato as a guide.

            They were currently at the entrance of a seedy-looking disco club. Tsuzuki's ardent research had revealed this club to be frequently visited by all of the victims. That put it on the top of the list that labeled 'suspicious'.

            Hisoka still couldn't quite believe it. True, Tsuzuki could be a good worker when he put his mind to it, but his partner was now turning out to be a workaholic. 

            And Tsuzuki made up thousands of excuses to _not_ bring Hisoka along for investigations. That irritated Hisoka to no end. Now that Tsuzuki had finally accepted the fact that he couldn't talk Hisoka out of it, he seemed to have it stuck firmly in his mind that he should get this done as soon as possible, close the damned case, and drag Hisoka back to Meifu.

            He sneaked off whenever Hisoka wasn't there to watch him, be it when Hisoka was in the bathroom, out to get a breath of air, or even sleeping in the middle of the night. 

            Then he turns up with all kinds of leads, every one of them already checked and either discarded or confirmed when he faces Hisoka. All done without Hisoka's presence or knowledge.

            This kind of thing can get on one's nerves after a while.

            Hisoka finally took to guarding Tsuzuki day and night. That displeased Tsuzuki immensely. So they ended up glowering at each other twenty-four hours a day, and Hisoka didn't need his empathic powers to know that tempers were definitely fraying.

            It was obvious that Tsuzuki didn't want to bring him along on this particular investigation. But with Hisoka doing nothing but watching him all day long, thus making it impossible to sneak off again, and Tsuzuki still wanted to get this case done as soon as possible, so…

            Here they are. 

            And Tsuzuki was practically seething over the fact. Hisoka wasn't in the best of moods either. After all, it is only normal that a person's disposition deteriorate at an alarming pace if that person in concern can never get more than an hour's sleep for the past three nights. And a fitful sleep at best. 

            Tsuzuki naturally took it as a personal concern that Hisoka was practically tripping over his own feet from lack of sleep. At least, until Hisoka yelled at him and told him that it was all _his_ fault that he couldn't get any sleep. Tsuzuki did look a little guilty when Hisoka made that accusation. 

            Only a _little_ guilty. And he certainly didn't make any promises about not going out without Hisoka.

            This was virtually a disaster just waiting to happen.

            Hisoka pulled his fuming mind back to present events. Tsuzuki was being barred by a man at the entrance of the disco. They weren't allowed in, it seemed.  

            Tsuzuki finally turned around and started dragging Hisoka away from the place. Without the grace to even ask. Hisoka pulled his hand out from Tsuzuki's grasp and glared at the older Shinigami.

            "Well?" he demanded.

            "Well what?" Tsuzuki asked innocently. The man practically _radiated _satisfaction.

            "What was the problem at the disco just now?" _// Must calm down. Kicking up a fight with Tsuzuki in the middle of a job is **not **a good idea. //_

            "Oh, _that_. The man said our type weren't allowed in. I supposed we don't look like the kind of people to frequent such places."

            No wonder Tsuzuki seemed so pleased with himself. Hisoka wasn't about to let that last, though. Tsuzuki had _no _right to confine him like some protected species.

            "So? We can _look_ the part. We're going to change and come back tomorrow night," Hisoka told him tightly. 

            That did it. 

            Disaster happened.

***

            "NO! And that's the LAST of it!" 

            "You're being ridiculous!"   
            "You're crazy!"

            "I don't see what's…"

            "I'm not going through with this, and THAT"S IT!"

            It was most fortunate that they managed to return to Meifu before the explosion struck. As it was, they were only disrupting the normal proceedings of the Shokan division of Juohcho.  

            It started off as a private argument at first, but it _was_ rather hard to keep something on such a large scale confidential.

            Naturally, everyone in the office had officially become gaping spectators.

            Of course, it was Tatsumi who put a stop to the fight before something _really_ disastrous happened. Such as the library exploding for a third time or something similar. Or else Tsuzuki would have been working his back off to pay for the repairs. But then, that was what he was doing already, so it probably didn't matter. 

            "Before you progress any further with your _discussion_, may I have the honour of knowing the basis of this debate?" Tatsumi inquired dryly, his eyes glinting with that all too familiar gleam that said 'Tatsumi Seiichirou's exceedingly irritated'. Tatsumi was hardly angry, and his fury could only be sparked off if one of his colleagues were plunged into life-threatening danger, namely Tsuzuki.

            But Tatsumi had the ability to make the source of his irritation very, _very_ uncomfortable for a rather long duration. 

            Tsuzuki and Hisoka were in for big trouble.

            "Well?" 

            Tsuzuki cringed under Tatsumi's intense stare. It didn't last long, though. In fact, he shot Hisoka a deprecating glare that seemed to make it appear as if Hisoka were the one that created this whole big fuss in the first place. In Hisoka's opinion, he most certainly did _not_. 

            "We were having a disagreement on one of Hisoka's suggestions." 

            Tatsumi waited, but Tsuzuki obviously wasn't going to supply anymore than that.

            Hisoka cursed the brunet silently. Why did he always end up with all the lousy work? 

            "I suggested that we disguised ourselves to continue our investigations in the disco club."

            Tatsumi nodded. He had read the files that Tsuzuki had given him, and that plan was really only a matter of course. After all, the club was one of their few leads. 

It only took him a moment to register the reason of Tsuzuki's disagreement. 

            Given the reputation of that place, it was only to be expected that Tsuzuki would worry over his younger partner's welfare. There was Hisoka's past to take into consideration, after all.

            "Tsuzuki-san, if you are concerned about Kurosaki-kun's safety…"

            "Exactly. Tatsumi, you know what kind of place _that _is."

            Hisoka scowled. 

            Tatsumi decided to go for a compromise. Those two might be a good working team, but they'll never get anything done if they spend their time bickering. He didn't think that either one would relent anytime in the near future. Both could be impossibly stubborn. 

            In other words, they were wasting time. From Tatsumi's point of view, time equals money. And money ranked almost the top of his importance list. 

            "Tsuzuki-san, I feel you should proceed with the investigation if Kurosaki-kun has absolute confidence in his abilities." Hisoka relaxed visibly at that. Tsuzuki looked betrayed.

            "Besides, I doubt he could come to any harm with you there," Tatsumi said matter-of-factly. Inwardly, he was already pondering suitable covers for the duo. Maybe he should get someone to arrange it. Something clicked.

            "I'll inform Saya and Yuma of your case. I'm sure they'll be delighted to assist you in disguising yourselves."

            Hisoka's skin turned a most unhealthy shade of green. 

***

            "Aww…Hisoka-san looks soooo cute," Saya squealed. 

            "Positively adorable," Yuma agreed enthusiastically.

            On Hisoka's part, he just wanted to fall over and die at that very instant. 

            But since it was rather hard for a person who's technically dead to die a second time, especially a Shinigami, Hisoka contented himself with furiously tugging down his shirt to cover more of his exposed stomach; if a piece of neon-green cloth less than eight inches wide could be considered a shirt. 

He resolutely refused to think about the words sprawled over the front of that so-called shirt. They read 'GET ME!' in a bright, glaring red that could without doubt be clearly seen from a five-meter distance. Muraki would be infinitely pleased if he ever saw Hisoka wearing this. The psycho would probably take him up on the offer. 

            The pants were a little better, if not by much. Also bright red, they were tight leather pants that barely covered his hips. If those pants were cream or beige, people might think that he was walking about without any pants on. And the sequins, how could he ever forget the sequins? 

            Saya and Yuma had even taken special pains to highlight his hair with green tints. In fact, they were gushing over how much the dye matched his eyes. Hisoka wondered why they didn't dye their hair blue and green if they were so supportive of matching eye and hair colours.

            "Now we have to get Hisoka-san cool accessories," Yuma said dreamily, "pity we couldn't make him wear the Pink House dress, isn't it?"

            "Oh…" Saya sighed regretfully, "But this is the next best thing…"

            "Yeah, we're getting Hisoka-san's ears pierced!"

            Hisoka was getting more and more infuriated by the second. Those two crazed females were talking over his head as though he weren't there…

            _// Wait a minute…what did they just say?! //_

            "You IDIOTS!" he yelled, "There is NO way I'm doing something like THAT!" 

            The girls cowered under his fury. Two luminous pairs of eyes started brimming with tears. As if he cared about that. 

            "But…Hisoka-san's going to this club…" Saya held up a photo of the club.

            "And we're dressing you according to these…" Yuma displayed the snapshots of the victims.

            Great. They were dressing him in dead people's fashions. How auspicious. Oh, he forgot. He's dead as well. Fine, every one of those teenagers wore earrings; he gave them that much credit. But…  

            "I don't need to pierce my ears to wear earrings," he stated flatly.

            "It's not the same!" Yuma protested vehemently, "You won't fit in if you don't pierce your ears!

            Saya nodded earnestly. "Yeah! I mean, anybody who wanted to wear earrings permanently would get their ears pierced! Trust us, we're fully conversant in these matters!"

            Hisoka sank back into his seat in defeat. 

            This was going to be long, _long_ day.

***

            Saya and Yuma bounced up from where they have been fussing with Hisoka's hair when the door clicked open. 

            Tatsumi and Watari gaped at them. Or more accurately, they all gaped at Hisoka. 

            This was the about the hundredth time that he wished that he was truly, thoroughly dead and not stuck in an eternal afterlife.        

            003 started flapping around him and tugging at the strands of green hair. 

            The owl probably thought that those were pearl noodles or something.

            _// What is Tsuzuki going to **think** when he sees me in these…he'll freak. //_

Wait…why would he give a care to the world as to what that klutz would think of his outfit?

            003 finally gave up on his hair and flew off to welcome yet another new visitor. 

            Which happened to be no other than Tsuzuki. 

            _// Oh gods. //_

***

            They were having yet another glaring session. At least, they finally reached this stage after Tsuzuki got over his initial rage, which most unfortunately involved dragging Hisoka off and dressing him down in front of almost all of their colleagues. 

            Hisoka's cheeks burned from that memory, and this time it was from _both _anger and embarrassment.     

            He was already having the hell of his day with being Saya and Yuma's dressed-up doll and that idiot actually ticked him off in front of _everybody_ like some…_rebellious _teen. 

            Tatsumi's presence was the only thing that managed to put a check on _both_ of them.

            _// Unfair. Why can he wear something so…**normal** when I'm stuck in this? //_

That thought was totally petty, but right now Hisoka was so teed off that he didn't care.

            Fine, they can spend the whole day glowering at each other. It was Hisoka's specialty, after all. He was bound to win this one eventually. 

            It was Tsuzuki's emotions that he was unprepared to deal with.

            They were very faint, with Tsuzuki keeping a tight control on them. But he could still feel them dimly, like very distant wisps of smoke just beyond his grasp. He wouldn't have felt anything at all if he wasn't probing on purpose.

            He had expected the anger and fury.

            But the strong, almost fiercely intense desire to protect took him completely aback.

            All of Tsuzuki's other emotions paled in comparison. That surge of protectiveness was almost like a single ray of brilliant radiance in the hazy mist that was the rest of Tsuzuki's feelings.     

            There was something else as well…something that he couldn't quite define.

            He reached out for it… 

            And Tsuzuki's shields slammed down in place full force.

***

_-- Just to mention it, Hisoka's outfit was inspired from watching Gravitation, which also gave me the idea of them going undercover in this way. In fact, it spun off this whole club thing. If you have difficulty picturing how he looks like, think in terms of Shuichi in his performing attire with green tints and long leather jeans minus the coat. @-@_

_-- Saya and Yuma finally have their wish to dress Hisoka up granted. Although it isn't the Pink House dress…but oh well. _

_-- Hisoka's hair…pearl noodles. ^^ I ordered pearl noodles in a Japanese restaurant once (it was a long time ago), and they gave me green noodles. You're supposed to eat it with soya sauce…and it tastes horrible. (in my opinion, but since I don't like Japanese food…) _


	4. Chapter Three

_Warnings: Bad, bad things that no good citizen should follow. And Hisoka's the one who's doing it. Yes, Hisoka. That deserves a warning in bright red capitals._

_Chapter Three_

Hisoka tried his best to ignore the brunet walking next to him. In fact, he did his best to ignore everything in the vicinity. 

            Closing his eyes, he struggled with the memories of only two nights ago. When the drunkard had tried to grab him…

            The clothes he was wearing now didn't do anything to ease his fears either. In fact, if anything happened right now, he could only say that he was asking for it. He felt so vulnerable, so helpless. And he told Tsuzuki that he could handle this, he couldn't back down now…

            Hisoka started as he was swathed within something soft and warm.

            Emerald eyes blinked in surprise as Tsuzuki rearranged the folds of the black trench coat on his shoulders. 

            Tsuzuki merely continued with his movements, making them appear almost casual. "I brought this along in case you might get cold in only…that."

            Hisoka couldn't bring himself to form an answer.

            Even as Tsuzuki took his hand and started leading him down the street, he didn't say anything. 

            Not even to call the man an idiot.

***

            Tsuzuki studied the sleazy characters on the street, unconsciously tightening his hold on the hand in his whenever those disgusting ruffians paused to leer at the pair.

            Hisoka was strangely quiet. Tsuzuki was half-expecting him to call him a baka for making the decision to hold his hand this way. He knew that Hisoka hated the idea of being dependent on anybody, but the boy looked so…lost.

            _Don't leave me alone; I don't want to be alone anymore…_

_            If you can't live for anything else, at least live for me._

_            Please…_

            _// To live for somebody…_

_               To exist for Hisoka… //_

Tsuzuki smiled to himself.

            _// Maybe I can do that._

_            Because I like the feeling of being needed…_

_            And the knowledge that someone will always be there for me. //_

***

            When they finally reached the entrance of the club, Hisoka handed the coat back to Tsuzuki.

            Tsuzuki frowned, but didn't press the issue. They had to look the part of regular patrons, after all. 

            Hisoka mumbled something incomprehensible.

            "What?" Tsuzuki asked.

            "Thank you," Hisoka muttered while resolutely refusing to meet Tsuzuki's eyes.

            "Oh." It was too dark to be certain, but he could just picture Hisoka's blush. 

            Tsuzuki smiled. 

***

            Hisoka rubbed his temples in a futile attempt to prevent an impending headache.

            He hadn't realized that being in one small place with so many people would be so…so…

            So oppressive.

            Just being in the club for a simple matter of minutes was enough to expose him to the assault of the never-ending thoughts and emotions from other humans.

            And naturally, the thoughts of people who actually came to place like this were far from decent.

            He had spent the first fifteen minutes doing nothing but sitting in the corner with Tsuzuki and strengthening his mental shields. 

            "Better?" Tsuzuki asked anxiously.

            Hisoka nodded. He had managed to tune the initial mayhem of emotions down to a low buzz, something that resembled an irritating bee humming endlessly in his ears. Given a little more time, he was sure he could get rid of the headache as well.

            The worry in Tsuzuki's eyes receded, but he still radiated mild waves of gentle concern. 

            Even in their secluded corner, both of them had attracted the eyes of other customers. That annoyed Tsuzuki to no end. 

            Hisoka was starting to get acquainted to those people's intentions, though. They still disgusted him, but they don't send him into a full-blown panic the way they had the other day. 

            It gave him a sense of accomplishment. 

            After all, come to think of it, these people were a far cry from Muraki. And he didn't really freak out whenever he met that particular psychotic doctor. Well, not exactly, anyway.

            There's another one right now. This one seems to be showing an unhealthy interest in Tsuzuki. Carefully, Hisoka started methodically searching his mind. 

            Nothing of interest, this one seemed to be concentrating on how great Tsuzuki looked in a sleeveless shirt, particularly noticing how Tsuzuki's muscles moved when he shifted, the way his fitting jeans outlined the contour of his legs, the manner in which his shirt clung to his chest…

            _Crash_.

            Hisoka almost jumped out of his seat. A serving girl started apologizing profusely while hastily cleaning up the shattered remains of the glasses from her tray.

            Hisoka suddenly realized just exactly what line of thought he was following just now.

            And it definitely wasn't his own.

            The man in question was still ogling Tsuzuki.

            Not that Hisoka blamed him, he certainly wasn't the first, and he had ample reason. After all, Tsuzuki _did_ look gorgeous in that hugging shirt, somewhat reminiscent of the outfit that he wore occasionally on the Queen Camellia. 

            Hisoka gagged, suddenly realizing what _he _was thinking.

            He had allowed himself to get caught up so deeply in the other man's thoughts that _he _was starting to have them himself.

Good. The man was leaving. In fact, he couldn't seem to leave quickly enough. Tsuzuki obviously had very effective ways of making his displeasure clear.

Hisoka heaved a sigh of relief. Just for a moment back then…

He was _not _going to think about it.

Of course, Tsuzuki had to ask why he was blushing all over for no reason at all.

Hisoka gave the elder man one of his perfected glares.

Luckily, Tsuzuki was wise enough to shut up.

***

            "I think I'm fine enough to go over to the counter," Hisoka got up and started making his way through the crowd.  

            Finally finding a seat, Hisoka sat down and ordered a glass of beer. This was the first place he had ever been to that served alcohol to sixteen-year-olds as a matter of course. Not that he had any real thoughts about drinking all of it, of course. The last time had been embarrassing enough. 

            Tsuzuki joined him on the seat next to his and put in his order. And struck up a lively conversation with the waiter while he was at it. 

            Hisoka lifted his glass to his lips…and met Tsuzuki's warning eyes. He gave the older Shinigami a flat stare and started taking very, _very _cautious sips from the glass. He had experimented with this before, and he supposed that he would be able to hold down a little of the beer. Besides, it would look suspicious if he didn't really drink anything. Of course, he was also getting the kicks out of it. But that was beside the point.

            With the way Tsuzuki was watching him, he doubted that he had the opportunity to get drunk anyway. 

            "Hi, I'm Ashihei," a voice came from beside him.

            Hisoka looked up from his glass to see a boy around his age, with shoulder-length hair, dark eyes and the funkiest earrings imaginable. His clothes weren't anywhere near as revealing as Hisoka's own, though. Hisoka made the hundredth mental note since the last hour to fully throttle Saya and Yuma when he got back.

            "Hisoka," he answered. Again, he started tentatively probing the boy's mind. 

            There didn't seem to be any need for that, though.

            The boy was already eyeing him over very openly.

            "Wanna dance?" he asked.

            Hisoka was at a lost as to what he was supposed to do. The thought of dancing didn't sit very well with him. First off, he had no idea of dancing at all. Second, he might be able to sit here and study the people around him without disastrous effects to his empathy, but to actually go out among them…

            But teenagers come to places like this for that purpose, right? Would it seem out of place if he rejected the offer? His social experience in life was little to nothing, and it certainly didn't prepare him for something like this. Maybe he should accept it. The boy might have some friends that know something about the case…

            Tsuzuki took away the decision from him.

            "No, he's with me."

            Hisoka realized his mouth was hanging open and hurriedly shut it. He hoped he wasn't blushing over Tsuzuki's words, which actually meant nothing at all. 

            _// Right, //_ he reminded himself, _// nothing at all. //_ And now was not the time to berate Tsuzuki over it.

            Meanwhile, the boy sneered at Tsuzuki. "No harm done in letting your partner dance with someone else for a while, is there? Right, Hisoka?" 

            "Just. Leave. Him. Alone," Tsuzuki repeated, emphasizing every single word.

            The boy opened his mouth to retort, but took a few steps backward instead at the look on Tsuzuki's face. Suddenly remembering some urgent matters elsewhere, he left in a hurry.      

            Hisoka fixed Tsuzuki with one of his patented death glares.

            "How are we supposed to find out _anything_ if you keep chasing away every person that approaches us? We've been sitting here for gods know how long without learning a thing!" Hisoka suddenly remembered that if he didn't learn anything today, he's going to have to come back tomorrow, and maybe the day after, and most possibly the day after that as well. In fact, the 'days after' were starting to create a very long mental list. The idea didn't appeal to him at all. And the first reason, albeit the pettiest one, is that 'I'd have to dress up in these damn clothes again'. 

            Tsuzuki looked offended. "Why don't you just sit around while _I_ do the investigating?"

            If they weren't in public, Hisoka would have stomped him flat.

            "If you need a reminder, we're dealing with _teenagers_," he hissed softly, "I think you're _long_ past that stage."

            To his surprise, Tsuzuki turned away. "I know…it's just that…I don't want you to get hurt."

            Before Kyoto, Hisoka would have yelled at the man for being an idiot and treating him like a child. But now…he found himself oddly touched.

            Maybe it was because he now knew how truly vulnerable Tsuzuki was, the fact that his partner remained so protective of him moved him.

            He found his anger rapidly subsiding. 

            "We do have to finish this assignment, you know," he said with a sigh. Why did he always end up giving in to the other?

            Tsuzuki was silent for moment. "No dancing," he said finally.

            Hisoka blinked. Really, the way Tsuzuki jumped from one thought to another…

            "Fine," he agreed, "As long as you don't get in the way when I try to talk to others."

            Tsuzuki had his wounded puppy-look on now. "But I'm only worried!"

            "If I have to come back tomorrow…" Hisoka left the sentence hanging, but the threat was visible enough. 

            "Hai…as long as you don't anything but talk."

            Hisoka rolled his eyes. What _else_ could he do?

***

            Hisoka sat down at the table with another three teenaged boys. Tsuzuki didn't object to this, since it seemed reasonably safe. Right now, the brunette was talking to another customer, and somehow keeping an eye on him as well.

            "Do you come here often?" he asked one of the boys, who had introduced himself as Eiji.

            "Quite," Eiji answered, "Your first time here? Haven't seen you around before."

            Hisoka nodded.  

            "This club isn't bad, plenty of people, drinks, not too expensive. Right, Hiroji? Koyo?"

            The other two boys agreed.

            Hisoka decided to take this as an opening.

            "But some of the people who came here went missing, didn't they? Killed, I heard."

            Hiroji looked at him quizzically. "Yeah, seen those before. So? Happens all the time around here, anyway."

            While he said this, Hisoka diverted his efforts into sensing his thoughts. There didn't seem to be anything suspicious. The boy was really indifferent to the recent events.

            "One of those was Koichi, wasn't he?" Eiji asked Hiroji.

            "Yeah…"

            "You knew one of them personally?" Hisoka pressed. Maybe he'll learn something after all.

            "Nah, just had a few words with him," Eiji shrugged, "Besides, why do you care anyway?"

            "No, merely curious." Eiji didn't sound suspicious, but it wouldn't do to put them on their guard.

            Eiji took a swig of his liquor. He grinned. "What's so interesting about corpses? Why don't you tell us more about yourself?"

            Hisoka barely stifled a yelp when he felt a hand on his thigh. 

            Trying to find a way out of the situation, he knocked his glass off the table, spilling all the contents onto Eiji, who jumped up with a curse.

            "Oh! Sorry, I'm really sorry…"

            Eiji smoothed out his pants, an irritable frown on his face.

            "Never mind, it's ok." Regardless of his words, the frown intensified into obvious displeasure.

            Hisoka could barely prevent himself from scowling. What? Is it his fault that he didn't like people groping him at every turn?

            Eiji retuned to his seat with annoyance and frustration rolling off him in waves. Hisoka had already grabbed the chance to shift his chair out of his reach. No point in taking another chance. This brought him a lot closer to Koyo, though. He started wondering if Koyo would do the same. 

            Hiroji pulled something out of his pocket and offered it to him. Hisoka took it and glanced down at his hand to see a small white pill.

            Great. Now it turns out that these guys are on drugs as well.

            "Sorry, I don't want this…"

            Eiji narrowed his eyes. If he wasn't suspicious before, he definitely was now.

            "Why? That's what people come here for. Drinks you can find anywhere, but this is rare. Are you…"

            "No. I didn't mean that. I don't have much money now, and I can't afford to pay for this." Hisoka immediately tried to cover up his slip. This wasn't going well, not at all.

            Eiji seemed to accept that explanation. "You can have this for free." His eyes started to roam. Hisoka resisted the urge to punch. "Because you're hot." 

            They were all looking at him now, obviously expecting him to swallow it. Hisoka had absolutely no intention of doing that. It's drugs, for crying out loud. But if he didn't, he was going to blow his cover. 

            Why did the government ban drugs anyway? Because it's harmful to a person's health. But since he's technically dead, health shouldn't matter _that_ much.

            And Shinigami had curative abilities. So any damage done to his body should be healed without any lasting problems. Yes, that made perfect sense. 

            So why was he hesitating? 

            Finally reaching a conclusion, he decisively took a gulp of his drink and swallowed the pill.

            He was completely unprepared for the sensations that assaulted him. 

            The first word that came to mind was 'ecstasy'. He felt so free, no worries, no pain…just freedom.

            Closing his eyes, he attempted to grasp what little wits he had left. All his weariness and fatigue from the day's activities might as well have not existed. 

            Even his empathy was off the hook. He vaguely noticed that he had let down his mental shields completely, but he didn't care. He was so delirious right now that the onslaught of emotions and feelings didn't bother him at all.

            In fact, he didn't care about anything anymore.

***

            Tsuzuki looked over to where Hisoka was worriedly. He knew that Hisoka was capable of taking care of himself, but he couldn't help feeling protective of the boy. If anything ever happened to Hisoka…

            His violet eyes widened in shock as they fell onto his younger partner.

            Hisoka was laughing along with the other boys. True, Hisoka wasn't as closed-up as he used to be…but this?

            Tsuzuki then noticed that Hisoka wasn't laughing in the way one would if he were truly happy. His laugh seemed like something without feeling, the way a person would sound if he was totally oblivious to his surroundings. 

            And Hisoka's eyes seemed dazed. It was hard to be certain in the dim light of the club, but those emerald green eyes, once so clear and vivid, were now reduced to a hazy, murky green. 

            That sent off ringing bells in Tsuzuki's head. Was Hisoka drunk? But he didn't look and act like the last time he was drunk. Hisoka was the kind that passed out immediately if he had too much to drink. 

            Suddenly Tsuzuki noticed that one of the boys was creeping closer, closer, and closer…

            The boy ran a hand down Hisoka's cheek, and…

            _Hisoka didn't do anything to stop him._

            The boy's hands didn't stay on Hisoka's face, either. 

            Lower, and lower…

            Almost mindless with fury, Tsuzuki leapt up from his seat, almost knocking over the person next to him in the process. 

            Tsuzuki stalked over to where Hisoka was. Whatever it was that possessed Hisoka's mind, it wouldn't do at all.

            In fact, it was downright unacceptable.  

***

            Hisoka looked up numbly. He still felt detached, somewhat disconnected. He tried again to puzzle out his feelings, and finally gave up. Whatever it was, it felt good. And the elation was the only thing he could focus on right now.

            Someone was touching him. He couldn't really make out who it was. As the touch moved lower, Hisoka's mind dully registered that he didn't want this. He didn't want to be touched in this way, and he should do something to stop it.

            But he couldn't. 

            And the touch continued…

            Hisoka felt himself being jerked roughly to his feet.

            There were voices. They seem to be coming from somewhere far off. Somebody's yelling. That voice sounded decidedly familiar. Where had he heard it before? 

            "Hisoka? Hisoka!?"

            Somebody's shaking him.

            "Hisoka!!!?"

            His name…being repeated in that voice again. Hisoka decided that he liked the sound of it. The way that person said it…

            The world's spinning round and round…everything's fading…

            "Hisoka!!!"

            As darkness overcame his vision, Hisoka finally remembered whose voice was it.

            He liked the way his name sounded in that voice.

            _// Tsuzuki… //_

***

            Tsuzuki lay the unconscious boy down on the bed carefully. Drugs. If he hadn't been so angry, he would have laughed at the absurdity of it. Hisoka actually took drugs. Nobody would have believed it.

            But then, Hisoka would have done it if he saw the necessity of it. Hisoka frequently did the most taxing things, always looking for a way to prove himself, so that people wouldn't think of him as a child.

            He was always pushing himself over the limit, reluctant to display any weakness…

            _// Hisoka, you don't have to do this, not in front of me. //_

            Tsuzuki absently brushed away a few strands of that wheat-coloured hair from Hisoka's face. As always, Hisoka looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, with none of that frustration or aloofness that he showed in the day.

            Tsuzuki pulled back in surprise when Hisoka's eyelids fluttered open, revealing hazy jade-green eyes that gazed at him unsteadily.

            A slender hand lifted itself to the air, searching for something to grasp. Tsuzuki took it in his own. 

            "Tsuzuki…" Was Hisoka conscious? Or was he merely sleep-talking? Even though his eyes were opened, his words were heavily slurred, sounding as if he were muttering them in a dream. 

            Those emerald eyes blinked, trying to focus even as they threatened to snap shut.

            "Purple…purple eyes…"

            Another hand lifted itself to touch Tsuzuki's cheek, somewhere just below his right eye. Tsuzuki closed his eyes as that hand moved itself over his eyelids.

            "Purple…so pretty…"

            "Like an…"

            Tsuzuki never knew what Hisoka had meant to compare him to, because at that very moment, Hisoka's eyes fluttered shut as their owner fell into a deep dreamless slumber.

            Tsuzuki brought a hand to his own cheek, running his fingers over the places where Hisoka touched, then bringing them down to softly caress Hisoka's face.

            _//Sleep well, Hisoka. //_  

***

_-- Just to make clear, I am firmly against drugs (waves an anti-drug campaign banner) and am not promoting drugs in any way. I do **not** know what it feels like to consume drugs, so I'm basing this off my imagination and a bunch of total crap. The whole thing is probably inaccurate, so please do not yell at me over it. _

_-- I don't know if Hisoka is a little OOC (is he?), but if anyone feels that he's a little out of character, it's because…um…the only reason is that I'm messed up. I wanted to portray his vulnerability, but then it seemed to me that he went off into the weak uke side, so I try to bring him back, and ended up with him being a stubborn headstrong teen. Uh…curse my terrible writing skills. And I supposed all of you are telling me to shut up, since nobody's interested in reading this anyway. Fine…_

_-- Special note to Val-chan ^^ (if you bother to scroll down that far, that is), I wrote this during 4 in the morning. Repeat: **4 a.m.**, so I'm aware that the whole chapter is filled to the brim with grammatical errors. Sorry! It was written during Valentine's Day, because I felt like it, plus I wanted to write something on the occasion, so this chapter is completely fucked-up, due to the fact that my eyes are puffy and closing right now, and unlike Hisoka, I don't have Tsuzuki to put me to bed. How unfair. (pouts)_

_-- So discouraged…nobody seems to be reading this._


	5. Chapter Four

_Warnings: Sap, fluff, and in my opinion, a total lack of plot. And I suppose I'll have to put up a warning for Tsuzuki's POV as well, because I'm lousy at writing Tsuzuki._

_Chapter Four_

            Warm rays of sunlight filtered through the opaque curtains of the hotel room, casting its soft presence on the room's occupants.

            Hisoka's eyebrows furrowed as the golden rays fell onto his eyelids, but he merely turned away, seeking the comfort of sleep while snuggling deeper into the warmth that encompassed him. Strong arms tightened around him protectively.

            _//…arms? //_

            Hisoka's eyes snapped open immediately. Jade-green eyes stared into deep violet in shock.

            Tsuzuki was already wide-awake.

            "Baka! Let go of me!" Hisoka struggled violently, trying his best to pry Tsuzuki's arms off him.

            Tsuzuki held firm, and he was much stronger physically.

            Finally, Hisoka quieted down, letting his body fall back onto the bed in defeat.

            He would have continued the fight, but he was suffering from a splitting headache, and his muscles didn't seem to want to cooperate. 

            He had never felt more exhausted before in his life or afterlife.

            Tsuzuki pressed a hand against his forehead in concern. "Hisoka? Are you all right?"

            Hisoka didn't answer. He didn't have any strength left for that.

            He felt totally wrung out. He racked his mind for a reason to his present condition, and couldn't find any.

            Even his brain cells seemed dead. Well, at least deader than they had been in the first place, anyway.

            "Hisoka?" Tsuzuki was all anxiety and worry now. The emotions he was giving off only served to intensify Hisoka's headache. 

            "Don't…feelings…head hurts," Hisoka mumbled, burrowing his face in his pillow. Actually, it was Tsuzuki's, but he was just too tired to get embarrassed about waking up in Tsuzuki's bed.

            His words made no sense at all, but Tsuzuki obviously understood, as mental shields snapped up in place, cutting off the flow of emotions.

            Tsuzuki let go of him and got off the bed. Hisoka found himself being oddly upset by the lost of the warmth around him.

            Then something cool and damp pressed against his forehead. 

            It did help a little.

            Tsuzuki handed him a glass of water and coaxed him to drink it, refusing to stop pestering Hisoka till he finished every drop.

            Hisoka sank back onto the bed again, totally ignoring the elder Shinigami, until the pair of arms wrapped themselves around him again.

            Hisoka stiffened immediately at the contact. Waking up in Tsuzuki's arms was one thing, but having the elder Shinigami openly hug him like this…

            But he felt so nice…so warm and secure.

            Since when was the last time he experienced such sensations? Maybe it was the time when he was still allowed to hold his mother's hand, when he was still her 'little boy' instead of a monster. Maybe it was the time when his mother tucked him in and sang him a song. It was so long ago, he wondered if those times were real or merely figments of a child's mind, the mind of a child who craved for the love of the people around him.

            Tsuzuki had hugged him. Tsuzuki gave him a shoulder to cry on. Tsuzuki was the one who held out a hand when he was afraid of the dark…

            _But Hisoka…of course I care for you, I like you!_

Tsuzuki told him that he liked him.

            Nobody had ever said that before. 

            He didn't know that there would actually be somebody who liked him.   
            Closing his eyes, Hisoka let himself relish the comfort and safety that Tsuzuki offered.

            Just for this once…

            Did Tsuzuki think of him as a child? A child that could never grow up?

            The way Tsuzuki looked at him…it was the fond gaze of an elder brother towards a vulnerable younger brother that couldn't defend himself.

            Sometimes, it was even the paternal look of a father.

            Hisoka wanted desperately to reach out and take everything that Tsuzuki offered…

            …but if he did, Tsuzuki would always think of him as a child, a kid that was forever in need of protection.

            He didn't want to depend on Tsuzuki, but he needed Tsuzuki.

            There were times like this…when he wanted to be held, to be cared for…

            Just for this once…

            Hisoka's last thoughts before he drifted off were of how warm Tsuzuki's arms were.

***

            Hisoka had fallen asleep again almost immediately, seemingly completely drained of his energy. 

            The heat from Hisoka's body was very soothing. Hisoka himself looked so vulnerable, so easy to break. Tsuzuki could almost feel the all too familiar anger rising, directed at the monster who took the everything that Hisoka had to offer and marked the boy so that he could never forget his past. He quelled that anger ruthlessly, fearful that his emotions might wake Hisoka up.

            Tsuzuki shifted slightly, careful to not disturb the sleeping boy in his arms. It almost seemed like the first day they met, when Hisoka passed out from too much alcohol.

            So alike, and yet so different.

            They've come so far…both of them.

            Back then, Hisoka would never allow himself to fall asleep in somebody else's arms.

            Tsuzuki smiled slightly when he remembered teasing about kissing Hisoka while he was asleep. 

            It all seemed like it had happened only yesterday.

            He could still picture the irritable, aloof boy that pointed a gun at him on the very first day of their partnership.

            They actually got into a fight over a dumpling at dinner.

            Hisoka even said that he would never work with an idiot for a partner.

            Tsuzuki absently ran his fingers through Hisoka's hair, brushing back the stray strands that always insisted on falling over the boy's eyes. 

            Tsuzuki remembered lamenting over having to work with a boy who wanted to quit on the very first day.

            All in all, it had seemed a partnership doomed to disaster from the very beginning. 

            Strangely so, it lasted this long. Somehow, Tsuzuki couldn't help but feel oddly protective of the ill-tempered, unapproachable boy that called him an idiot so much that it almost became a second name. The boy with a painful past, a past that no one so young should have to endure. He remembered being angry over Hisoka having to die at such a tender age, at how Hisoka never experienced love, even from his own parents.

            He wanted to pull the Hisoka into arms when the young Shinigami woke from a nightmare, to comfort and reassure him.

            But Hisoka would never have allowed it.

            _Because you're my partner…_

            Even back then, he had already felt a connection towards the sixteen-year-old. 

            And Hisoka stayed.

            Unlike the long list of partners he had had over the years, Hisoka didn't leave.

            Ironically, he was the one who had wanted to leave. It was Hisoka who begged him not to.

            Hisoka, who made sure not to display any of his emotions in front of people, who tried so hard to protect himself from getting hurt by pushing away anybody who cared for him…

            Hisoka actually cried and told him that he needed him.

            Tsuzuki smiled softly. Hisoka frequently yelled at him for thinking of him as a child. 

            Hisoka didn't know, that ever since then…ever since he pulled Tsuzuki back from the Touda's flames…

            Tsuzuki had never thought of him as a child.

            Someone to be protected and cared for, yes. But never as a child.

            Tsuzuki allowed himself to settle back and watch the steady rise and fall of his partner's chest.

            His mind returned to the joke he made so long ago…

            _Onii-san's going to kiss you now._

He idly wondered what it would be like, but laughed wryly at the thought. Hisoka would probably strangle him alive.

            _//I wonder…what it would be like, to actually see you show some of the feelings you're hiding, the way you did for that one single time…_

_            …for me.// _

***

            Tsuzuki sat at the edge of the bed while watching his partner try valiantly to erase every trace of his cover yesterday. Somehow, the dye just refused to come off, and Hisoka was right on the verge of exploding over it.  

            "Tsuzuki…" Hisoka's voice sounded muffled as his face was buried in locks of greenish-gold hair.

            "Yes?" 

            "How did I…um…"

            Tsuzuki blinked, utterly confused.

            "Why did I pass out yesterday?"

            Tsuzuki grinned. He was still a little peeved over the incident yesterday, but in retrospect, it seemed rather funny. 

            Hisoka turned around before Tsuzuki managed to wipe the grin off his face. Verdant green eyes narrowed dangerously.

            "What?" he asked menacingly.

            "Didn't your elders tell you that it's most unhealthy to take drugs?" Tsuzuki asked innocently.

            Hisoka glared. "What does that have to do with…"

            His eyes widened in mortification and horror as the events of the day before finally returned to him.

            "Why did you do something like without telling me?" Tsuzuki sounded offended.

            Hisoka rolled his eyes. "What would it matter anyway?"

            Tsuzuki looked crushed. "Of course it matters! I would never have allowed it!"

            "What did you expect me to do? Blow my cover?" Hisoka glowered at him. "And since when did I need your permission to do anything?"

            "Who knows what the side effects could be?" Tsuzuki had on his most pathetic look now. He looked as if he were going to sprout the infamous puppy-dog ears and tail any minute. "Hisoka, what if you fall sick or something? What if those effects were permanent?"

            Hisoka rubbed his temples wearily. "I'm _dead_. Drugs don't affect dead people." 

            "You fainted yesterday, and you were complaining about a headache," Tsuzuki pointed out.

            Hisoka turned bright red at the reminder of that. Turning away to cover his embarrassment, he said, "So? It can hardly kill me for a second time."

            "Hisoka, I'm only worried about you."

            "I'm fine!!!"

            "Does your head still hurt?"

            "I told you…"

            "But…"

            Tsuzuki shut up when Hisoka gave him one of his most treacherous death glares. Saying any more would only result in a very irritated Hisoka and another session of being told not to treat the other as a kid.

            Hisoka wasn't all right. Tsuzuki noticed that Hisoka was frequently massaging his temples, and this time he knew he wasn't the cause. There were other less noticeable things as well, a slight tilt to eyebrows, a small tightening of the eye muscles, the way Hisoka's eyes weren't as bright as usual…

            There were a hundred little signs that told him that Hisoka wasn't all right.

            But Hisoka would never want him to know that.

            And as always, Tsuzuki didn't say anything to show that he knew.

            Inwardly, though, he resolved to get his partner some aspirin.

            Sometimes, actions said more than words. And unlike words, actions conveyed a deeper meaning, an underlying truth, a reality that could not be denied, and yet was possible to ignore if so wished.

            Hisoka hadn't said anything when he woke up for the second time in Tsuzuki's arms. There wasn't even the expected red blush to his cheeks. He merely got up and left. 

            In fact, that one moment of mutual understanding that they shared might as well have not happened at all. It was one of the few times that Hisoka actually allowed himself to breach that distance, to openly accept what was given…

            And he chose to dismiss it.

            It puzzled him, but Tsuzuki had felt a strange pang in his chest when Hisoka left his arms. It hurt even more when Hisoka wouldn't acknowledge him. To Tsuzuki, it seemed to signify more than the simple gesture of Hisoka getting up, it felt as if Hisoka were leaving him.

            He didn't know why, but the thought of Hisoka leaving him made him feel…lost.

            Did he really need Hisoka that much?

            He already knew the answer to that question. But…

            Did Hisoka really know that he cared?

            _// Yes…Hisoka knows. He **must** know. But does he…_

_…would he accept it? //_

***

            Hisoka finally gave up on washing off the dye. The damn stuff probably wouldn't come off if he bleached his hair.

            Saya and Yuma were going to pay for this.

            After all that effort, he didn't get anything out of it except a migraine and a head that felt as if it were stuffed full with cotton wool.

            It was more than enough to get on the most even-tempered person's nerves.

            And Hisoka was far from being mild-mannered.

            Currently, he was at a total lost at what their next step should be. 

            "Tsuzuki, what do we do after this?"

            Hisoka knew that he should be embarrassed at having to ask, even in these matters. He _felt_ that he should be embarrassed. 

            But he wasn't. Not with Tsuzuki. 

            He knew…without Tsuzuki…

            …he had no one else.

            "Maybe we should go to the scenes of crime. Although there is probably nothing to find, there just might be something that both the police and the agents of Juohcho have missed. The possibility is probably very slim…but we might be lucky…Hisoka?"

            Hisoka almost jumped at the mention of his name. He had managed to lose himself in his thoughts again.

            Tsuzuki merely smiled and repeated what he had just said. 

            "Hisoka?" Hisoka blinked when a pair of deep violet eyes looked up at him at a very near distance.

            _// He's so near… //_

            Unconsciously, Hisoka took a few steps back. Tsuzuki didn't make a move to follow. He merely remained sitting on the bed, unfathomable purple depths staring into Hisoka's with an intensity that burned with an unknown yet profound emotion.

            Hisoka's failure to understand the other's feelings was only starting to scare him.

            Tsuzuki's sudden smile and laugh broke the tense atmosphere in the air, and as Hisoka looked into the now twinkling purple eyes, he found himself even more confused than before.

            "You're thinking too much, Hisoka. It isn't healthy."

            "You say that because you don't think at all," Hisoka retorted. Tsuzuki looked insulted, but Hisoka's empathy told him that the other didn't take offense.

            Because Tsuzuki probably knew by now that he didn't really mean what he said.

            "What were you thinking about?" Tsuzuki asked curiously. Within one second, his attitude changed entirely and he practically bounced on the bed.

            "Were you thinking about me?" he asked eagerly, turning on the full charm of his puppy-dog eyes. 

            Hisoka scowled. "Baka!! I have much better things to do with my time!" 

            "Aww…Hisoka, you're so harsh! Don't you think about me?"

            "No!" His cheeks were burning; he knew it.

            _// Yes…but I don't know why I do. //_

            Tsuzuki settled back on the bed and began to sulk. 

            _// He's just like a small child, an idiot, a slacker… _

_              And a lot more than that. //_

_            // Why do I think about him? //_

Suddenly Tsuzuki brightened again, his sulks all vanished without a trace.

            "It's all right, Hisoka! Because I think about you all the time!"

            If Hisoka was blushing a moment ago, he was about ready to die from high blood pressure right now.

            Tsuzuki always had a knack for saying the most outrageous things.

            His headache chose this very moment to play up.

            Hisoka turned his back on his partner, choosing to ignore everything around him--Tsuzuki, embarrassment, headache and all.

            Maybe if he didn't think about them, they would all just go away.

            Focus. Right, he needed to focus. 

            To return to serious matters, he should get rid of the earrings. They itched.

            And that was discounting the fact that they were in the form of Celtic crosses.

            As he reached up a hand to pull off the earrings, he actually saw Tsuzuki pout.

            "Hisoka…"

            "What?" he asked irritably. 

            "Are you going to take those off?"

            Hisoka gave him a withering look. "Baka…" he muttered before continuing with his task, ignoring the other man completely.

            "But Hisoka…they look soooo cute on you!" Tsuzuki protested, looking hurt.

            Hisoka felt the heat rising in his cheeks. 

            "Urasai! One more word and I'm flinging you out of the room!"

            "I really mean it…"

            "SHUT UP!"

***

            Sakano Eiji slouched lazily against a wall, occasionally taking a long drag from the cigarette between his fingers.

            The person he was supposed to meet was late. 

            Eiji didn't like people who didn't meet their appointments on time. Of course, he himself normally arrived at a meeting place thirty minutes late, as was his wont.

            But other people did not have the right to make him wait. 

            Especially when it was one of the few times when he was actually punctual. 

            It couldn't be helped. The offer was too attractive, and he couldn't risk losing the money just because some guy was too impatient to wait for an extra half hour.

            "Sakano Eiji, I presume?"

            Eiji spun around, barely stifling a curse. He wasn't used to being taken by surprise. In his world, people who were easily taken by surprise usually ended up robbed and beaten in some dark alley…or worse.

            He squinted to get a better view of the man…and couldn't. The guy had skillfully remained shrouded within the shadows, without as much as a wisp of hair visible. Moving closer to get a look didn't seem like a good idea, the man might just want to rob him. 

            "Do you have the information that I want?"

            "Yeah." That said, Eiji proceeded to tell the mysterious man everything that was asked of him. The man seemed to harbour great fascination in a dark haired man with striking violet eyes and a young teenager by his side. Eiji remembered those two very well. How could he not? Both were exceedingly pretty, and the fact that the elder one throttled him for doing nothing but hit on the younger still left Eiji seething. He didn't know what this man wanted with those two, and he personally didn't care. If this man wanted to get back at them for something, he was welcome to it, as far as Sakano Eiji was concerned.

            When he finished, he waited for the other to give his answer. When the other didn't respond, he asked, "What about the payment you promised me?"

            He could almost feel the man smiling in the darkness. 

            "Ahh…your payment. Of course."

            The dark sky above the slums of Japan and the stench of what had been his home for five years were the last things that he ever remembered.

***

            It was a total waste of time. They had spent two hours combing through the entire place for the faintest hint of a lead, or even something remotely suspicious, and managed to draw a blank at every turn.

            Absently, Hisoka tugged at his itching earlobes. Which reminded him--why was he still wearing those stupid earrings?

            Tsuzuki was frowning into the air. Obviously, the other was just about as stumped as Hisoka was. 

            Hisoka sighed. At this rate, they might have to go back to the club, after all that happened yesterday…

            Life was never easy for him, but death seemed ten times worse sometimes.

            But he would choose his death over his life anytime.

            Tsuzuki was sifting through the file that held the teenagers' data for what seemed the umpteenth time. 

            Bored out of his mind, Hisoka was about to turn away when a name on one of the teenagers' details sparked something in his mind.

            Sugiyama Koichi.

            Frowning, Hisoka shook his head—and immediately regretted the action when his headache protested by becoming ten times worse.

            Why did that name seem so familiar?

            He must had heard about it somewhere…

            Yesterday…at the club, somebody mentioned something about Koichi. Who was it?

            "Tsuzuki, I think I've heard something about this boy before," he said, pointing to Sugiyama Koichi's profile.

            That drew Tsuzuki's attention immediately. "At the club?"

            Hisoka nodded. Clutching his head in his hands, he tried to come up with something more than a vague impression.

            "But…but I can't remember who it was that talked about him."

            Tsuzuki's face softened. "It's all right, it'll come back with time." 

            Smiling, he handed Hisoka a cold drink. "As always, where aspirin fails, this might help."

            Hisoka accepted the drink numbly. Was he being that obvious with his headache? 

            "Maybe we should start with the boys you were talking with yesterday." At that, Tsuzuki frowned. Those boys didn't stand very high in his opinion.

            "They're probably hanging around somewhere near the club, it shouldn't be hard to find them."

            Hisoka nodded. As long as he didn't have to go back to that hell of a club, anything was fine with him.

***

            Surprisingly, they stumbled over one of the boys sitting by himself at an old table by the club.

            Hisoka searched for a name to put to the boy.

            He didn't need to, as the boy turned to faced them as they approached, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. 

            "What do you two want?"

            "You mentioned that you knew a certain Sugiyama Koichi," Tsuzuki said pleasantly.

            The boy's eyes narrowed. "It depends."

            "Tell us what you know about him."

            "Why should I?" The sneer on the teenager's face was evident.

            Tsuzuki shrugged. "So that yesterday night won't happen again."

            The boy seemed undaunted. Smiling brazenly, he got up and beckoned to them. "Come, perhaps I night be able to show you something interesting."

            He started walking down the alley, not even bothering to turn round to make sure that they followed.

            Hisoka watched the boy disappear into the shadows, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I don't trust him."

            Tsuzuki turned to look at him. "Did you sense something?"

            Hisoka shook his head. "No…the feel of this place…the despair and greed…all those negative emotions, they interfere with my empathy."

            Tsuzuki immediately looked concerned. "Are you all right?" 

            "I'm fine," Hisoka said impatiently. "What now?"

            Tsuzuki looked down the dark alley reluctantly. "He's probably making a fool out of us, but I don't think we have much choice."

            "Not much," Hisoka agreed.

            He wondered what they were in for.

***

            "Well, here we are." The boy stopped in front of a dilapidated old restaurant.

            "What does this have to do with Sugiyama Koichi's death?" Tsuzuki demanded.

            The teenager shrugged. "They say that this is the real scene of crime."

            Tsuzuki and Hisoka stared at him in simultaneous shock.

            Grinning, the boy said, "Don't know, but it's been a rumour down here. You said you wanted to know anything."

            Hisoka frowned. This was getting more than a little suspicious. How could anything be that convenient?   
            But they couldn't say that it was a lie without even looking, however far-fetched it was.

            Tsuzuki started making his way through the debris and rubble to the entrance of the restaurant. When Hisoka made a move to follow, the boy caught him by an arm. 

            "Are you people going to leave me alone out here? After all, if those rumours are true, this _is _a murder scene, you know. Every one of those suckers might have very well died here, and who knows when the killer might decide it's play-time again."

            Hisoka pulled his hand out of the teen's grasp with a fierce glare. Tsuzuki stopped in mid-tracks and turned about. 

            The boy was probably lying about everything and was having a good laugh right now. But just in case he wasn't lying and the murders _really_ happened here…

            Innocents weren't supposed to be involved in this. However disgusting the teen was, he counted as one.

            "Hisoka? Why don't you stay here with him while I go inside?" Tsuzuki suggested.

            Hisoka nodded grudgingly. 

            Now he was stuck with an impudent loafer for company.

            The boy merely gave him another one of those insolent grins and settled back against a wall to smoke.

            Hisoka closed his eyes and started to get himself adjusted to his surroundings.

            He always thought of his empathic powers as a curse, but not being able to use them to sense a danger was rather unsettling.

            Finally able to mute the general feel of the place to a sullen buzz at the back of his head, Hisoka started to methodically probe at the boy's mind…

            And found nothing.

            It was like the time when he had tried to sense Maria Won. There was absolutely nothing to be felt, like an empty space within the sea of emotions that made up the world of humans.

            _"Are you people going to leave me alone out here? After all, if those rumours are true, this is a murder scene, you know. Every one of those suckers might have very well died here, and who knows when the killer might decide it's play-time again."         _

            Why…did the other say that? He and Tsuzuki were complete strangers to the boy, if the boy had taken them to be people of this area, like they were pretending to be, he wouldn't have asked one of them to stay. In this place, nobody cared for another's welfare. If they were what they seemed, they would have just left him alone.

            How did the boy know?

            "You…" Why couldn't he sense anything from the other? 

            Suddenly, the boy lunged for him. As unconscious reflexes due to his martial art training kicked in, Hisoka deftly leapt aside and delivered a blow to the other.

            Hisoka's eyes widened further when the teen pulled a slip of ofuda from his pocket.  

            Was the other from a family that practiced illegal magic?

            Before the boy could cast the spell, Hisoka knocked himself into the other, sending both of them tumbling to the ground. 

            Pinning the struggling teen effectively, he tried to reach for an ofuda of his own.

            _// I feel nothing at all…he doesn't even seem alive. _

               _Like Maria Won, but somehow still different. // _

_            // Who is he? **What** is he? //_

            Hisoka wasn't in time to come up with an answer to his questions, as both of them were flung against the nearest wall by a powerful blast.

            To Hisoka's horror, the boy in his grasp dissolved into dust--particles of sand that filtered though Hisoka's fingers.

            _// What…what… //_

_            // Doesn't seem alive… //_

            The blast that hit them, who…?

            _// Like Maria Won, but somehow still different. //_

_            // Like Maria Won…//_

Hisoka immediately spun around. Tsuzuki. He must call for Tsuzuki.

            Emerald eyes widened in terror when they beheld the figure before them.

            "So…we meet again."

            Tsuzuki…He opened his mouth to scream for his partner, only to be stopped by the excruciating pain that seemed to sear through his very soul.

            Hisoka fought desperately for a way to escape—something, anything. He mustn't give in, he mustn't…he mustn't…

            "Bouya."

***

                 __

_-- A very big thank you to everyone who reviewed. You can't tell how much help it was when I'm staring blankly at the computer screen. (laughs) More feedback, please? (even though I feel this chapter is terrible, sorry…)_

_-- I'm using the term 'ofuda' here, and likewise 'omnyoujitsu' (if it ever appears), since I'm not too sure what they call it YnM, and they're just the same thing anyway. ^^_

_-- For someone who claims that she's going by the anime, I sure use a lot of manga scenes. But the manga is just soooo sweet! And yes, in the manga, there was really the sentence "Onii-san's going to kiss you now". It definitely wasn't serious ^^, and I still can't decide if it was Tsuzuki's thoughts or Matsushita-sensei's joke. That's one thing about the manga, the author sprinkles her own jokes all around the page. Anyway, this was followed by a small inscription at the bottom of the column--"Hey! Watch yourself! This is a shoujo manga!" As if there weren't enough shonen-ai in it already. Um…well, I'm ranting again. Oops._

_-- If there is any kind soul out there who happens to read Japanese **and somehow got hold of the Hana to Yume issue with the 74th chapter of YnM, can you tell me what happened between Hisoka and Kurikara? I'm dying of curiosity. **_

_-- (smiles sweetly) This will have to last till at least the 21st or 22nd of March, because I'm going to be studying for my exams._


	6. Chapter Five

_Warnings: There is Hisoka. There is Muraki. Do your math. I don't think it's **too** graphic, but it **is **happening. (shrugs) _

_Chapter Five_

            Tsuzuki couldn't help sneezing as he entered the restaurant when the soft impact of his footsteps resulted in clouds of dust. The golden flecks that blurred his eyes and the wan sunlight that filtered through the broken shutters were the only sources of light in the dark, overcast room where shadows reigned. 

            He carefully threaded his way through pieces of broken furniture and cracked floorboards as he surveyed the room with a quick glance. With just a fleeting look, the room revealed nothing out of ordinary. 

            It certainly didn't get anymore suspicious after forty-five minutes of thorough inspection.

            "That kid must be laughing his head off by now," Tsuzuki muttered angrily.

            And although he knew it was probably totally unnecessary, he was already starting to worry about Hisoka.

            If Hisoka knew, he would probably be in for another harsh scolding. 

            Just as he turned to leave, a faint flash of gold caught the corners of his eyes. 

            Frowning, Tsuzuki walked towards the direction of the pale gleam. Deftly pushing away pieces of rubble and waste, his fingers uncovered…

            Tsuzuki stiffened as he stared at the figure that lay among the debris.

            A beautifully made porcelain doll, the masterpiece of a skilled craftsman with every feature carved delicately and painstakingly, looked up at him from the shadows with hooded eyes.

            She was beautiful. Golden hair that caught the dim rays of sunlight, clear jade-green eyes that peered through long eyelashes…

            Beauty that was marred only be the single crack that ran down her right cheek.

            With shaking hands, Tsuzuki picked up the doll. It was impossible, it couldn't be…

            Golden hair with green eyes, the doll reminded him eerily of a certain young boy.

            "Hisoka…"

            _Careful, Tsuzuki-san. You do not want to lose someone precious to you._

_            // Hisoka!!! //_

Dropping the doll, Tsuzuki ran out of the restaurant, fear and panic already threatening to overcome his senses.

            Horror rose in his chest as he stood alone in the dark deserted alley. 

            Hisoka was here. He should be here. 

            Images of the broken doll returned to him. The doll with golden hair that caught the sun and jade-green eyes the colour of the emeralds.

            Tsuzuki fell against one of the walls as his legs threatened to give way under him.

            Before his very eyes, the alley transformed into a scene of blood and brutality as the memories that lay hidden in his mind replayed themselves in his imagination. His first thought back then was the shocking realization that after years after claiming human lives, the smell of raw human blood could still strike fear in his heart.

            Hisoka's blood.

            This time, there was no sign of violence--no blood splattered against the walls, spreading across the ground, no crimson red clouding his vision…

            In fact, Hisoka might as well have never stepped foot into this place at all.

            He stood there alone. Alone…and lost.

            Lost without Hisoka.

            Again, he failed to protect, when he had tried so hard…when he had fought to keep the promise that he made. 

            Tears started to blur his vision when his eyes fell onto a single ofuda on the ground. 

            He could never fail to recognize the boy's handwriting--the soft, somewhat inexperienced strokes that climbed across the piece of paper, still lacking that touch of elegance and maturity that came with years of long practice.

            He remembered holding Hisoka's hand as his young partner struggled to master the complicated strokes.

            He remembered having Hisoka yell at him for it.

            Tsuzuki closed his eyes as the first tear made its way down his cheek.

            _// Hisoka…I'm sorry. I'm never there when you need me. //_

But Hisoka needed him now. 

            Tsuzuki would do anything to get Hisoka back.

            Anything. 

***

            Hisoka opened his eyes painfully, trying to push away the dull throbbing in his head. 

            Emerald green stared blankly at the ceiling before the horror of an hour ago registered.

            _// A dream, this isn't real…it's only a dream… //_

This was only a dream, a bad dream like the many he had. All he had to do was to wake up, and…

            It didn't work.

            It didn't work because it wasn't a dream and he knew it was really happening even though he refused to admit it.

            Hisoka pulled at the straps that bound his arms to the headboard of the bed desperately. His scars were burning the way they did when that man was near. It was all like a nightmare become real. He wanted to wake up, this was only a bad dream and he would wake up like he always did…

            "Ah…you're finally awake."

            Hisoka stared at the man that had always haunted his dreams, had always been the source of his nightmares. 

            He mustn't display any fear, he mustn't, not in front of Muraki.

            He hated Muraki. Muraki was the one who murdered him and almost led Tsuzuki to his destruction. He hated Muraki and he kept reminding himself that because it gave him a reason to go on.

            But he was terrified by the man as well.

            And now the fear was rapidly overpowering the hatred.

            He forced himself to meet Muraki's gaze evenly, even though he had the sick feeling that his eyes were betraying everything he was feeling right now.

            "Why, it's been a long time since we last met, bouya, I rather missed you," Muraki said, his hand reaching out to brush back a few strands of blonde hair from Hisoka's eyes. Hisoka couldn't help flinching at the contact, resulting at an amused smile from Muraki.

            "What…do you want?" Hisoka demanded. He cursed himself for the slight waver in his voice. He was terrified, but letting Muraki know would be disaster.

            Except that Muraki knew already. 

            "You know what I want," Muraki answered, his hand slowing moving down Hisoka's cheek in a caress.

            Of course he knew what Muraki wanted. 

            Hisoka recoiled as that hand continued down to his chest, where it began to slowly undo his buttons.

            "Don't touch me," he hissed. That might just be the stupidest thing he'd ever done. Here he was facing his rapist and murderer, and he still let his tongue get the better of him.

            Muraki merely chuckled. "Are you thinking that he'll come and rescue you?"

            Hisoka glared at him as he began trailing a finger down Hisoka's chest.

            "Of course he will, he always does. That's the main purpose of me capturing you, after all." 

            Muraki smiled. "But it'll take time. He doesn't know where you are. Last time, he found you by means of a messenger bird." He shifted his attention back to Hisoka's face, much to the latter's relief.

            "But we all know that I never make the same mistake."

            The low chuckle transformed into a laugh. "You, however, seem to have a tendency for repeating your errors endlessly."

            "The first time was that unforgettable night under the crimson moon, when the sakura blossoms were tinged red with blood, do you remember, bouya?"

            Hisoka's fists gripped the mattress beneath him tightly as the curse scars on his body flared to life.

            "The second was that time in Nagasaki."

            "Actually, there were plenty of other opportunities as well, had I taken it."

            Muraki began tracing the marks on Hisoka's chest. "But young children these days just don't learn their lesson. Of course, I doubt you would have any chance at all of running from me." 

            Silver eyes bored into Hisoka's own. "After all, you are my puppet."

            "And a puppet always dances the way its strings are pulled."

            Hisoka choked back his anger at those words. 

            A puppet. That was what Muraki had always thought of human beings. Everyone else was nothing more than puppets that danced at his whim.

            Maria Won, Tsubaki-hime, even Tsuzuki…

            _// Tsuzuki… //_

            That last name sparked a flicker of hope within him. Tsuzuki wouldn't leave him here, Tsuzuki promised that he would protect him; he said that he wouldn't let him get hurt anymore…

            …Muraki wanted Tsuzuki.

            Hisoka didn't want to think about what Muraki wanted with Tsuzuki. The last time Tsuzuki fell into Muraki's hands, he was almost driven to suicide. 

            If it happened again…

            But Hisoka wanted Tsuzuki to be here. The child that would forever remain inside him wanted Tsuzuki to be with him. 

            "Why, bouya, you seem worried." Muraki pushed back his silver hair to reveal his mechanical eye. Hisoka forced down a shudder at the sight of it.

            "So stubborn, little one," Muraki muttered. "But we can solve that problem."

            Muraki's lips twitched into a smile which made Hisoka's blood run cold.

            "I've done some research on empathic powers, and I think I've actually discovered something that you'll appreciate greatly."

            Hisoka listened with growing dread. 

            "I've invented a potion that will greatly enhance your empathy." Hisoka's confusion must have been obvious, because at this Muraki smirked.    

            "In fact, it'll increase your power so greatly that you'll fully absorbed all the emotions of the people around you. There will be no barriers, and I doubt that any shielding you've mastered so far would be enough to withhold the effects."

            Hisoka was beginning to panic. He needed to get away, just get away…wake up, why wasn't he waking up?

            "You would even transfer the remaining power of your empathy to people around you, which I suppose, in this case, equals to telepathy. Of course, you most likely have dormant telepathic gifts as well, but to bring them out this way…"

            Muraki leaned in, his breath brushing against Hisoka's cheek. "I wonder, would the magnitude of your newly enhanced gifts kill you, or would you go insane first? Your empathic powers were impressive to begin with, but your control certainly isn't. " 

            Hisoka pulled at his straps desperately. How did Muraki know that he had trouble sometimes with his empathy? Muraki must be lying, he wouldn't be able to do such a thing…No, Muraki never lied when it came to such things. In fact, Muraki almost never lied at all. Why was he thinking about the man's integrity, of all things? He must wake up, wake up, oh gods why is he still here? 

            "I guess I'll know the answer in a few minutes."

            Hisoka could only stare in horror when Muraki lifted a needle and brought the tip to his arm. 

            "It's actually a spell, but you might appreciate the effort I took to liquefy it. This places it in your bloodstream, you see, so that it will be permanent, unlike the original spell." 

            Hisoka wanted to scream, but his voice caught in his throat. He felt the slight sting as the needle pricked his skin, the momentary itch after the injection…

            …and it hurt. It hurt so much that even the night when Muraki cursed him to his death paled in comparison. All he could feel was that agonizing pain in his mind, it was as if his mind were being compressed from all angles at once, his empathy was screaming from the sudden burden on it, his body was burning, everything was disappearing in a red haze, he knew he was going to faint, he wanted to faint…

            But he couldn't. Through it all, his consciousness remained fully awake. He hurt, he hurt so much he just wanted to die and he couldn't. Muraki must have done something so that he remained fully aware of what was happening; he wasn't even allowed the brief respite of unconsciousness. His throat burned; he must have been screaming without even knowing it. 

            He could see Muraki leaning over him through his pain-filled vision. Muraki was smiling—a satisfied smile over the success of his experiment.

            Muraki touched his cheek, and suddenly Hisoka was screaming again, and this time he knew he was, because he was drowning in the darkness of the man's soul, and he couldn't escape—all he did was fall deeper and deeper…he knew there was no way out, he was scared, so scared… 

            Muraki's mind had always terrified him; he could never understand the evil that formed the man's twisted thoughts. But before he was only reading them, now he was _in_ them. They weren't only seeping into him like they had before; they were _controlling _him.    

            He was losing himself, losing all sense of self-identity.

            Now the fear came as a relief, because without the fear to hang on to, he would be truly lost.

            He could feel hands on the clasp of his jeans; they were traveling over bare skin now…the more Muraki touched, the deeper he fell. There was nothing except that endless darkness and the fear that told him he was still himself, he didn't know that fear was such a welcome emotion.

            The weight on his legs shifted. He knew what was going to happen; he didn't want it to happen, he just wanted to wake up, but he couldn't…

            …most of all he wanted Tsuzuki. Where was Tsuzuki, he needed Tsuzuki, Tsuzuki wouldn't abandon him to this…

            _//Tsuzuki, please! You told me you would stay with me, I told you to exist for me, where are you please I need you don't leave me please… //_

Nothing changed. There was the burning pain of being penetrated, the disgust and the terror of being touched by this murderer, being taken in this way by a person that he loathed, and the underlying self hatred—because he was helpless against it.

            Like last time, no one came. He once thought that Tsuzuki would come, but he didn't. 

            No one came.

            This time, Hisoka didn't scream. He couldn't scream anymore; he didn't have the strength in him to scream, and there was no reason for him to.

            Because he knew that no one would come.

            Tsuzuki wouldn't leave him, he wouldn't; but he might be out there searching blindly for him, and there was no way for him to know where Hisoka was.

            _// Tsuzuki…help me, please help me. //_ Thoughts of his partner were the only thing that slowed his descent into the darkness of Muraki's mind. Hisoka closed his eyes, refusing to acknowledge what was happening. Think of Tsuzuki, that was the only thing he could do, think of the only person who cared for him, the only person who didn't hate him.

            Muraki slowed his movements and leaned over him. 

            "Ah…what do you think of my dear Tsuzuki-san?" 

            Terror gripped Hisoka's heart when Muraki's words from before returned.

            _"You would even transfer the remaining power of your empathy to people around you, which I suppose, in this case, equals to telepathy."_

His thoughts…Muraki could read his mind. 

            Hisoka had always hated his empathic gifts. But this was the first time he had ever experienced mind intrusion. 

            To think that Muraki could look into his mind…the thought made the bile rise in Hisoka's throat. To experience both physical and mental intrusion simultaneously was almost than he could bear.

            It _was_ more than he could bear.

            "What do you feel for him, bouya?" Muraki pushed deeper. The feel of the man in his body _and _mind made Hisoka want to retch. 

            What did he feel for Tsuzuki? He cared for Tsuzuki, the way Tsuzuki did for him. He needed Tsuzuki, and he wanted to stay with him.

            "Do you love him?" Muraki asked softly above him, the man's voice dangerously low. "After all, few people can withstand the power of Tsuzuki-san's beauty. Have you fallen for him?"

            Of course he loved Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki was the father he never had, the mother that put him to bed, the elder brother and sister that teased him and supported him. In fact, Tsuzuki represented the family he never had. He loved Tsuzuki as he would have loved his own parents, had they loved him as their son.

            "The family you never had, how sickeningly sweet," Muraki said contemptuously. 

            "However, that wasn't my question." A deeper thrust. "Have you fallen for him?" Hisoka whimpered as pain tore through his body.

            "Have you?" This was a question he had to answer; the maniacal gleam in Muraki's eyes would have showed him that even if the man's thoughts that now dominated him hadn't. 

Hisoka shook his head weakly, his voice too hoarse to form a verbal answer.

            "Really?" Muraki said softly. "Your mind is open to me now, bouya. It would be imprudent to lie."

            He wasn't lying. He didn't love Tsuzuki, not that way. Not that way.

            _// You were ready to give your life to save him, // _a small voice in the deepest depths of his mind whispered softly.

            Of course he would. Tsuzuki would risk his life to save him, why shouldn't he do the same?

            _// You couldn't live without him. //_

All his life, he had been alone, unloved and despised, even by his own parents. He was used to being alone. Why couldn't he live without Tsuzuki? 

            He didn't know. There didn't seem to be a reason.

            _// You would have died to be with him. //_

Because…he had no one else. It didn't matter before, but after Tsuzuki appeared in his life, he wanted to be with him. 

            He didn't know what it felt like to have his life made meaningless by the loss of one person.

            He hadn't needed anybody that desperately before.

            He didn't know why, and suddenly it scared him.

            "It is well if you truly don't feel anything for him, bouya. But somehow your mind tells me differently…" Muraki smirked, "I don't appreciate having competition, you know that."

"What do you feel for him?"  
Hisoka felt something warm trickle down his cheek. He was crying. 

"What do you feel for him?" Muraki pressed.

_// I don't know I don't know don't ask me I'm so scared please don't ask me that. //_

            The tears increased when Muraki reached completion within him. He hated Muraki, he hated him but he couldn't do anything because Muraki's hold on his mind was too strong. He didn't have any control over his empathy at all; Muraki's emotions were taking over and he couldn't even scream anymore. 

            Most of all, he hated himself for being so weak.

            _// What do you feel for him? //_

            What did he feel for Tsuzuki?

            He didn't know.

            The tears were still falling, he hurt all over and he was frightened.

            Not of Muraki, this time, but of himself. Of what he truly felt.

Nobody came. 

            All he had to do was close his eyes, close his mind--a mind that wasn't entirely his anymore.

            Just close his eyes and think of nothing.

            Nothing except Tsuzuki.

***

_-- Uh huh. Hisoka torture. I can't believe I wrote this. This is what happens when I'm chewing my nails from worry over my exam results. _

_-- It's still a PG-13 rating…I think. Yell at me if you think it isn't. _


	7. Chapter Six

_Warnings: Angst, angst and yet more angst, because I love seeing them cry. And Hisoka torture, **again**. Sorry to all Hisoka fans. And pardon the lousy formatting, FF.net sucks, and that's final. I've given up on the formatting, since it's taking up too much of my time._

_Chapter Six_

            Tatsumi shuffled through the mountains of bills irritably. There were bills to be cleared, bills to be staved off, bills that he might actually get off with...he wasn't in a very good mood at the moment. Money almost made the core of his existence, _almost_, and having to work for the rest of eternity in a division that was forever in debt more than needled him. Clearing up the debts of Enmacho was Tatsumi's main objective in his afterlife. 

            It might well take him more than an eternity to achieve it.

            Tatsumi was still pondering new ideas to reduce the costs and expenses when the door to his office banged open with a crash. Tatsumi was about to snap at the offender, which he had no doubt at all was Watari being overly-enthusiastic about yet another ridiculous experiment, when he saw who the person was.

            Tsuzuki stood at the doorway, his violet eyes empty and…lost. He was a mess—dark brown hair matted to his forehead and half-covering his eyes with dirty streaks running down his cheeks.  

            Tsuzuki had been crying.

            The bills in Tatsumi's hands fell to the table, completely forgotten at the sight of the man before him. A familiar ache rose in Tatsumi's heart. The image of Tsuzuki crying, of Tsuzuki trying so hard to prove that he wasn't…as always it brought back memories of his mother. 

            The visage of Tsuzuki struggling to show that he was all right made the inner walls that Tatsumi had painfully erected with the years collapse like they always did.  

            _Your happiness is my happiness._

_            // Tsuzuki-san, why can't I make you happy? //_

_            // I'm not the one to be with you, I've lost that privilege, now only Kurosaki-kun can…//_

Why did Tsuzuki always cry when he was with him? What did he do wrong?

            "Tatsumi…" Tsuzuki's lips trembled as he visibly tried to force back his tears.

            Tatsumi stepped forward, a hand stretched forward towards Tsuzuki, when the latter suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders, almost shaking Tatsumi violently in grief and anxiety.

            Words and emotions tumbled out in a rush. 

            "Tatsumi, Hisoka…Hisoka's gone. I think Muraki has him and I couldn't find him; he's probably hurting and I wasn't there to help. I promised to protect him and not let him get hurt anymore. I'll never forgive myself, I don't know what to do…" Tsuzuki's voice rose in panic.

            "Tsuzuki-san…"

            "He needs me right now and I don't know where he is. I promised, I promised…"

            "Tsuzuki!"

            Amethyst eyes blinked when Tsuzuki suddenly realized what he was doing. The other immediately released him. 

            Turning his face away, Tsuzuki whispered hoarsely, "Sorry, I'm sorry. I…just…"

            "Sor-ry.' Tsuzuki's voice finally broke when the tears started falling again. Furiously, he tried to wipe them away, probably hoping that Tatsumi wouldn't notice.

            Tsuzuki was still trembling when Tatsumi gently pulled him into a hug.

            "Tatsumi, I don't know what to do without him, he's always been there, and then he just isn't and I can't think of anything else at all except him…I…I don't know what I'm feeling right now…"

            Tatsumi closed his eyes painfully. Tsuzuki was the most important person in his life, and seeing him like this when Tatsumi only wanted him to be happy, especially after what he'd gone through…

            "I _need_ Hisoka. Without him, I'm nothing. Nothing."

            Tatsumi's heart clenched with an undefined emotion. Was the boy that important to Tsuzuki?

            The answer was undeniably yes. Hisoka _was _that important to the man who was crying in his arms.

            _Your happiness is my happiness._

The child was the only person who could make Tsuzuki happy. 

            "Shhh…we'll get him back."

            He would do anything to make Tsuzuki smile and laugh.

            Wavering violet eyes met his gaze hesitantly. Tatsumi tried to smile reassuringly, even though it hurt him to do so. Why couldn't he make Tsuzuki happy?

            "I promise, I'll do anything to get Kurosaki-kun back."

            _// Because I want you to be happy. //_

***

            He didn't how long it had been, but he did know that the pain would never go away. 

            He didn't even notice when Muraki left. The pain continued unabated even in the man's absence. He could still feel Muraki's touch on his mind, that sadism and twisted pleasure taking hold of him, the reminder of him forever being Muraki's possession, his "doll."

            That one little part that still belonged to himself was hardly a comfort anymore. Only fear and terror remained.

            There were few times when he had experienced fear of this magnitude, the first time being the night when he first met his murderer…

            …the second and only other on the night when Tsuzuki tried to drown himself in the black flames of Touda.

            Tsuzuki. That name seemed so far away, hardly more than the vaguest impression that remained in some buried corner of his mind, yet he clung to it the way a child would to a treasured possession. 

            Because Tsuzuki was his refuge, the only place that he could return to. 

            His existence hadn't meant anything to anybody, he did not know if his parents mourned his death, if any living person he met still remembered his name.

            Maybe they were glad that they were finally ridden of the child who was only a curse to the family. 

            He had forgotten how to care; it was Tsuzuki who reminded him of the reason to exist.

            A person exists to care for others, and in return exists because there were people who returned that care.

            It took him so long to understand. And even after that, it was so hard to make himself feel deeply for others.

            It was even harder to accept that there were people who actually cared about him. 

            He had spent almost all of the sixteen years of his life building the ice walls that prevented people from reaching him; prevented him from getting hurt.

            He didn't know that even the ice of the mind could melt.

            He didn't know that he would ever feel warm again.

            How did Tsuzuki do it? How did he tear away something that took the entire of a young life to build in only few months?

            Was it by being there whenever Hisoka needed him? Or was it the solid protection that he offered?

            Hisoka couldn't remember anymore. Ever so slowly, his memories were fading. No matter how hard he tired to hang on, his mind couldn't battle the force of his enhanced empathy.

            Ironically, it wasn't the gallant rescues or life-threatening danger that Tsuzuki went through for him that still remained in his mind.

            His mind chose instead to remember the way Tsuzuki always knew what he wanted, be it privacy and solitude or company and comfort.

            He remembered the silent understanding, the way Tsuzuki used to sit with him in the evenings, neither of them saying anything because words just weren't needed. 

            He remembered the somewhat irritating mothering that always somehow touched him. The way Tsuzuki made sure he ate and slept, the other's stubborn insistence that he didn't take care of himself well enough. 

            There were also the times when Tsuzuki came over at night because the other knew that he didn't like being alone in the dark, the times when a strong hand would grasp his in reassurance.

            There were all those little things that formed his life, every one of them somehow connected to the idiotic Shinigami that constantly got on his nerves.

            Maybe…it was because he existed to care for Tsuzuki, and in return existed because Tsuzuki returned that care.

            That was why his place was by the other's side.

            It was because he chose to belong there. To be only there and no where else.

            The young boy inside him was starting to cry again.

            He wanted to go home. Go home to Tsuzuki. 

            The small voice inside him told him to go home. Could he? 

            His mind faintly registered shock when he managed to move his hands without restraint. Maybe he should wonder why his murderer chose to free him from his bindings, but he was no longer enough of himself to question it.

            The pain was still there; it was forever there. Embracing it as a part of himself, he pushed himself off from the bed. 

            His body gave way beneath him as he tumbled onto the floor.

            Even the small part of his mind that remained was enough to make him feel alarm and panic when he found that he didn't even have the strength to get up.

            It was only then that he understood why Muraki chose to free him. What was the point of binding a person who couldn't move?

            He also knew why he didn't have the strength to even stand on his own feet. It was because all of his sources were being fueled towards his suddenly enhanced empathy.

            His empathy was slowly draining him of his energy, and even the regenerative abilities of a Shinigami weren't enough to sustain him. 

            Even the life force of a Shinigami could be depleted.

            He was going to die.

            Maybe dying would actually be a relief; he wouldn't have to endure the agony anymore. 

            But he wanted to go home.

            If he died, he wouldn't be able to see Tsuzuki anymore.    

            He had to get up. If he could only get up…

            Hisoka managed to pull himself up only to find his body once more collapsing onto the ground.  

            Standing on will power alone, he stumbled the few steps toward the door.

            His last traces of hope flickered and died away when the door opened to reveal the man who did this to him.

            Muraki's lips curved into a cruel smile.  

***

            Tatsumi stood by the desk while Watari punched the keys on his keyboard furiously. Images, codes, and words flashed by the computer screen at an alarming rate.

            What was even more alarming was that they had been in this room for five hours, and they could still find no trace of Muraki.

            Tsuzuki had sat alone in the corner of the room, staring into space with eyes that were devoid of any feeling or emotion.

            Five hours…Tatsumi started when Tsuzuki finally got up angrily, sending his chair falling backwards.

            There were few times when he had actually seen Tsuzuki this furious.

            It was almost frightening. Those violet eyes, just now so blank and empty, were now burning with unfathomable emotions. 

            Before Tatsumi could stop him, Tsuzuki had already grabbed Watari and begun shaking the other man angrily. 

            "What have you been doing!!?" he yelled, "We've been sitting here for _hours_ while Hisoka's probably being tortured to death be that psycho, and till now you've turn up with nothing at all! I would have accepted anything! A hint, a suspicion, even a _rumour_, but now…"

            Tatsumi yanked him back. Tsuzuki spun to face him, and if Tatsumi had an inch lesser of his lauded self-control and composure, he would have flinched under the intensity of that burning gaze. Instead, he merely returned that gaze calmly.

            "You will only delay him if you keep this up, Tsuzuki-san," he said coolly.

            He immediately regretted those words when Tsuzuki's eyes were instantly filled with that self-blame and guilt that he continuously tormented himself with.

            "I'm…sorry," Tsuzuki muttered, "Watari, I'm sorry."

            Watari nodded, his eyes still filled with disbelief from Tsuzuki's sudden display of anger. 

            Tatsumi was at a loss for words. What could he say that wouldn't drive Tsuzuki even deeper into depression?

            Abruptly, Tsuzuki grabbed his coat and turned towards the door.

            "I'm going out to look for Hisoka again. Call me if you find anything."

            Tatsumi nodded. It was almost impossible to find the boy by searching blindly and aimlessly, but doing so would give Tsuzuki something to focus on and less opportunity to berate himself.

            "We'll find him." Tsuzuki always needed that emotional support, and that was all he could offer at the moment. 

            Tsuzuki gave him a weak smile before leaving.

***

            "You have a surprisingly strong will, bouya."

            Hisoka stumbled and fell to the ground, his temporary strength vanished into a torrent of panic and horror.

            His eyes staring at the man before him in stark fear, he started backing away, hands and feet scrabbling across the rough floor as he pushed himself backwards.

            Muraki slowly walked towards him. Hisoka gasped when his back met the wall. 

            "It is most pleasing to know that one of my dolls actually have some value, but it _does _get irritating at times."

            Kneeling down so that he met Hisoka eye to eye, he slowly ran a finger down the boy's cheek. Hisoka wanted to scream as Muraki's emotions started to gain control of him anew. He mustn't lose that small part he had, he mustn't…He didn't care if Muraki could read his mind, if thinking of Tsuzuki was the only way to keep him from going mad, he was going to hang on to every last piece of the memories he shared with Tsuzuki.

            Muraki seemed amused by what he saw. Flicking a strand of blonde hair to the side, he fingered one of the Celtic crosses that dangled from Hisoka's ears.

            "I noticed this just now, but I was…distracted by other matters. Tell me, boy, when have you started taking up jewelry?"

            With a sudden twist, Muraki tore the earring out of his flesh, ignoring Hisoka's pained scream as he studied the earring, now drenched in blood.

            The earring's twin met the same fate. 

            Hisoka stared blankly at the monster in front of him, his mind numb with fear.

_"But Hisoka…they look soooo cute on you!"_

He hadn't wanted to wear the earrings at first; they itched. But somehow he had forgotten to take them off. 

Tsuzuki said he looked cute wearing them. He hated it when the other said that, he didn't like being associated with the word "cute", but when Tsuzuki had said it…

Muraki's eyes blazed with sudden anger.

"It seems that you need a few extra lessons," Muraki hissed.

Hisoka drew in a sharp breath when the stinging cold of a blade touched his skin.

Muraki trailed the dagger up his cheek, leaving a sharp trail of blood.

The dagger came to a rest before his eyes. Hisoka reeled. That…that was…

"Yes, bouya," Muraki said, the softness of his words belied by the sharp rasp of metal meeting flesh, "Do you remember? That night…when I imprinted those cursed words on you, a curse that no one would be able to vanquish."

Muraki smiled. 

"Perhaps…you would want to experience it again."

Hisoka couldn't hear his own screams as the night of his nightmares replayed itself.

He didn't need to see the moon to know that it was flaring with a crimson red.

***

He thought that his tears had dried longed since, but it appears that he was wrong. 

He was left alone again; Muraki gone after he finished fulfilling his sadistic desires. 

The old set of curse scars on his body burned like they never had before as they pulsed in alternation with the fresh wounds that Muraki had wrought upon him.

Two ancient sets of curses, working their way through his body, through his soul.

Was this really the end?

He missed Tsuzuki. Why wasn't Tsuzuki here? Tsuzuki promised to protect him.

Would he ever see Tsuzuki again?

Hisoka stared at the door listlessly. 

If he tried to leave again…would Muraki appear as he did the last time?

Hisoka laughed, an empty sound that sounded hollow to his ears.

He was going mad; he knew it. And he didn't care anymore.

He might as well try. After all, what did he have to lose?

He had already lost his mind. He had nothing left.

Tsuzuki. The only thing he had left was his memories with his partner.

He reached out towards the door weakly. 

It wouldn't budge.

Hisoka slowly focused his empathy. 

_//Tsuzuki.//_

As the force of his empathy roared within him, he knew his mind might not be able to bear the burden. If he collapsed…

_//Think only of Tsuzuki.//_

He had nothing left. If he lost this gamble, he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.

He pulled in even more of his power, could feel his empathy hungrily devouring the last of his resources, even if his mind survived, his body would not for long.

His life meant nothing anymore. So, for this one last time…

            The door exploded outwards under the force of his power.

            Hisoka garnered whatever strength he had left and stumbled through the doorway. The starless night sky greeted him.

            The night sky would have been dark, except for a moon hanging high in the sky.

            A moon tinged with the colour of blood.

            Hisoka could hear himself laughing. 

            He wasn't happy, nor was he relieved.

            His laugh was that of an insane person.

            He could only go forward. He had no idea of where he was, no idea of where to go. 

            Devoid of strength, devoid of hope, he didn't really care.

            He just wanted to see the only person who didn't hate him.

            Even that was too much to ask for.

            Clutching the wall wearily, Hisoka forced himself to move on, falling to the ground with almost every step he took. 

_//Tsuzuki.//_

***

            Tsuzuki stared at the night sky, apprehension and dread filling his mind.   
            The moon was a bright red the colour of blood. 

            _//Hisoka, where are you?//_

            Would he ever find him?

            What had Muraki done to him?

            "_Don't leave me alone; I don't want to be alone anymore…"_

            He had promised to stay. But now Hisoka was still alone, alone even after all the promises that Tsuzuki gave.

            Hisoka had scolded him for making promises much too freely.

            True, he had meant every one of his promises, the ones he made to Hijiri, Maria Won, Ikaruga…he had meant every one of them.

            But…Hisoka was different.

            With Hisoka, the promise was not only to the boy, but also to himself.

            He promised himself that he would never allow Hisoka to get hurt.

            Like every other one of his promises, he had broken the promise to himself.

How could he have failed Hisoka?

He would never forgive himself for this.  

So many people had died because of him. Yet he still went on.

He knew that this time, the pain and self-condemnation would be carried with him till the end of his days. 

He had never deserved happiness.  

            That night…he shouldn't have accepted Hisoka's offer to stay with him.

            Now, because of his own selfish wish to stay with the boy, Hisoka was hurt.

            His existence was a mistake. 

            Everything was a mistake.

            Including Hisoka.

***

_-- Just an irrelevant side-note: I have nothing against the Tatsumi/Tsuzuki pairing. How can I when I have friend that I meet practically everyday who supports Tatsumi/Tsuzuki so faithfully and claims that they're much better than Tsuzuki/Hisoka? Still…I'm all for Tsuzuki/Hisoka, and I'm not going to try any other Tsuzuki pairings. I doubt that any Tatsumi/Tsuzuki fans will be reading this fic anyway, are there?_

_-- From now on, I'll probably be posting about a chapter a week or so, if I can make it. Have patience, this really isn't that long, there are probably about another four chapters or so. So it's going to be finished in a month, rejoice._


	8. Chapter Seven

_Warnings: Hisoka torture (sighs), I think it's a little lesser than the last two chapters though. Don't know what the hell is going on? Don't worry, I don't either. _

_Chapter Seven_

Hisoka sank to the ground in exhaustion. He didn't how long he had been fumbling blindly in the dark; it seemed like hours, but it might very well have been only minutes. 

            In his current state, he didn't know if he could believe anything that his mind told him. 

            He pulled whatever that was left of his clothes around him tightly. His scars were still burning, but the night air itself was cold enough to pierce the bone. He wondered dully if a person could actually feel as if his skin were ablaze, yet be freezing to death within. That was exactly what he was going through right now.

            He was laughing again. Or maybe he was crying, since he could feel the tears running down his cheeks. He was crying and laughing all at once, a soft choking sound that grated on his own hearing. 

            So this is what being crazy feels like.

            So…alone. Abandoned and unwanted. That was what he had always been. Why had he thought that he would ever be anything more?

            Tsuzuki wouldn't leave him. He believed that he wouldn't.

            He _wanted_ to believe that he wouldn't.

            But why hadn't Tsuzuki come? Why wasn't he here now?

            Hugging his knees to himself, Hisoka started sobbing. This time, there was no laughter in his tears.

            He heard footsteps walking towards him. It wasn't Tsuzuki. Not Muraki, either.

            He didn't know these people.

            They stopped in front of him; he could feel their curious gazes.

            He just wanted them to go away, to leave him alone.

            They didn't leave. 

            He didn't stop crying either. 

            Their emotions, their thoughts…

            _:: Lust desire craving need ::_

            _// __Oh gods. //_

Not again…not again.

            He couldn't take it anymore. Stumbling to his feet, he tried to run.

            But he already knew that it was all in vain.

***

            He was so tired. Tired of fighting, of struggling to cling onto the last of his sanity. 

            Tsuzuki wasn't here. Nobody would ever come. 

            He just wanted the pain to go away. 

            Why should he make himself go on when there was nothing left for him in the end?

            Closing his eyes, he formed a void in his mind. Every emotion, every memory, every feeling, every touch that he had known in his life was drained into the boundless emptiness.

            His empathy screamed in protest at the lost of its fuel, the lost of the never-ending emotions that fed it, but he persisted.

            A flame--that was what his memories were now, a single flame dancing in the middle of that infinite darkness.

            He had nothing left.

            Reaching out with his mind, he wrapped the darkness around the flame, the flame that was his soul.

            The last part of him died away as the flame flickered out of existence.

            Nothing left.

***

            Alleys swept past him in a blur as he ran, still searching blindly and without direction. 

            Another two hours, and Watari still hadn't found anything. 

            Pausing for breath, Tsuzuki's eyes were blank and unseeing. It was useless. He would never find Hisoka this way. 

            But he couldn't do anything else.

            It was raining. Tiny droplets fell onto the ground, flowing in thin trickles down the uneven surface, slowly gathering to form tiny rivulets.

            Tsuzuki wiped away the beads of rainwater that mingled with his tears.  

            The tiny drizzle gradually grew into a torrential downpour. The rainwater clouded his vision, and unjustified fear started to take its place. What if he walked right past where Hisoka was without seeing him? There was only the smallest possibility of that happening, but it was enough to make Tsuzuki panic.

            Run. Run and search blindly. That was all he could do. 

            Through the haze that covered his eyes and mind, he dimly saw a figure lying on the ground. 

            It could have been anybody else—a drunkard, somebody who got the worse of a fight, anybody else.

            He dared not hope. It would be too dangerous to ask for it.

            But he knew…somehow he knew, that it wasn't just anybody else.

            Running towards the person on the ground, his moment of elation was cruelly dashed.

            The tears were flowing freely now.

            Reaching down to cradle the boy in his arms, he desperately tried to warm the body that was even colder than ice itself.

            The flowing rainwater was stained with a dark, murky red. 

            Hisoka himself was tainted with blood and sex.

            Tsuzuki lifted the younger Shinigami into his arms. Hisoka was so cold…please tell him that he made it in time, don't make him lose Hisoka, however selfish that he was to want to keep Hisoka with him.

            They faded away, leaving behind only the falling rain that was already washing away the traces of crimson blood.

***

            Tatsumi nudged Tsuzuki gently. "Tsuzuki-san, you must eat."

            Tsuzuki shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

            Tatsumi didn't press him. He didn't know if he should say anything to comfort the other. Tsuzuki was probably only half-aware of his presence.

            His eyes fell onto the focus of Tsuzuki's attention.

            Hisoka had always been fair, but now…his skin was almost the pale hue of death. Wheat-coloured hair fell across the shut eyelids haphazardly, only partially covering the long scars that ran down his cheeks. He was breathing almost slowly and painfully, and at a casual glance, he would have seemed anything but alive.

            The return of Tsuzuki with Hisoka in his arms had certainly caused an upheaval. Tsuzuki was frantic; the only thing that kept him from having an emotional breakdown was his desperation to save his partner's life. 

            It had taken all of Watari's skills to accomplish that. Hisoka still lived, if only barely.

            Tatsumi watched as Tsuzuki took one of the boy's hands in his own. Tsuzuki's eyes were distressingly vacant as he stared at Hisoka's unconscious form. 

            To Tatsumi, the sight was almost too painful to watch,

            The door opened after a slight knock, first revealing a mop of golden hair which was followed by the rest of a terribly disheveled and messy Watari. 

            Tsuzuki didn't even notice.

            Watari beckoned to Tatsumi. After one last look at Tsuzuki and the still boy on the bed, he followed Watari out of the room.

            The scientist didn't say anything until he reached his lab and firmly shut the door behind him.

            "How's Bon?"

            Tatsumi cleared the apparatus from one of the office chairs and took a seat. "The same."

            Watari started studying the floor intently, obviously pondering how to continue the conversation. Tatsumi waited. He did have some patience when needed.

            "I think I've found out one of the things that Muraki did to Bon."

            That got Tatsumi's immediate attention.

            "He…" Watari paused, unsure of how to proceed, "I think he enhanced the power of Bon's empathy."

            Tatsumi was lost. "I don't understand. The enhancement of one's powers would hardly be a form of torture."

            Watari's eyebrows furrowed. "We all know that Bon sometimes faces problems with his empathy. He collapses if he senses emotions that are too intense, especially negative ones. He also experiences headaches, nightmares…the like."

            Tatsumi nodded. It still didn't relate to…Sudden realization dawned upon him.

            "His powers are increased to that beyond the capacity of his mind and body, which means…"

            Watari's eyes and tone were uncharacteristically serious. "…he has probably lost control of his mind."

            It took all of Tatsumi's iron control to keep himself in check. 

            "Is Kurosaki-kun…is he…" He couldn't bring himself to ask if Hisoka had already gone mad. But then, Watari seemed to make that pretty obvious.

            "No…" Watari sounded hesitant, "I don't…I don't think so. Dangerously close, perhaps…but…"

            Watari fumbled at the folds of his coat agitatedly. 

            "He did something as bad…I think he closed up his mind."

            Once again, Tatsumi couldn't grasp the implication of that statement.

            This time, Watari didn't notice his incomprehension.

            "In fact, he did more than that…Bon…he…he…"

            Tatsumi was beginning to feel the first signs of dread.

            "I think Bon buried his soul," Watari finished lamely.

***

            Both of them were standing at the door of the room where Hisoka was. No one seemed to relish the idea of entering.

            They didn't know how they were supposed to break the news to Tsuzuki.

            Naturally, Watari had instantly wheedled his way out of the task.

            That left only Tatsumi. To his credit, Tatsumi sighed only once before turning the handle.

            "Tsuzuki-san…" Tsuzuki ignored him.

            "I need to speak with you about Kurosaki-kun." Tsuzuki looked up wearily.

            "But…"

            "I'll stay with Bon," Watari offered.

            Tsuzuki reluctantly let go of Hisoka's hand and left the room with Tatsumi.

            Turning to face the other man, Tatsumi decided to get straight to the point. The faster this is the better.

            He also hoped that it would be less painful.

            The expression on Tsuzuki's face right now was already enough to bring back memories that Tatsumi would have preferred to leave untouched.

            But he had to stand there and watch the look on Tsuzuki's face when he told him of what happened to Hisoka. The grief, the guilt, the anger…

            "Tsuzuki," he said gently, leaving out the honorific in the wake of his own trepidation, "Kurosaki-kun…I fear that his soul is lost."

            That was the last blow. Still he pushed on…it was killing him inside to do so, but still he went on.

            "A Shinigami is basically a soul. A soul is the essence of our immortality."

            Tatsumi fought to keep his voice from breaking at the sight of tears streaming down Tsuzuki's face.

            "We think…that Kurosaki-kun's soul is still within his body, but it no longer lives."

            "In his condition, his body could at most last for two days without the strength of his spirit, Tsuzuki-san…"

            Tatsumi stepped back in shock as Tsuzuki's eyes burned with denial and resolution.

            "No…" The words weren't screamed, or even particularly loud, yet they held the utmost force and conviction behind them.

            "Tsuzuki-san…" He knew that nothing he could say would help, yet he tried futilely to console the man before him, to save him from falling back into that incurable grief and misery.

            "No," Tsuzuki repeated, "I won't accept it."

            He staved off any protests that Tatsumi might make. 

            "His soul still exists. That alone is enough."

            "It no longer lives…"

            "Then I will bring it back to life." 

            Always, Tsuzuki had always been the one who was fragile emotionally, liable to collapse at the reminder of the many lives he was forced to seize.   

            This time, it was Tsuzuki who gave him the courage to hope.

            He gave Tatsumi the courage to hope for the other's happiness.

            Because Tsuzuki was making the effort to build his own world, a world where he could be happy.

            He didn't know that the boy could bring such a change to a man who had lived for a century, a man that had longed since tired of living before Hisoka was even born.

            _"Then I will bring it back to life."_

Tsuzuki actually offered him a reassuring smile through his tears.

            Tatsumi felt hope flare within him as Tsuzuki left him. 

            He envied Hisoka. Hisoka had succeeded in doing what he could not.

            Because Hisoka managed to give Tsuzuki a reason to exist.

***

            Tsuzuki ran his fingers through the pale blonde strands while studying the silent figure before him. 

            The smooth, silky feel of Hisoka's hair felt the same, but the touch of his skin wasn't.

            Hisoka's hands, once so warm to touch, now felt icy-cold in his own.  

            Tatsumi said that Hisoka's soul wasn't alive anymore. 

            Tsuzuki knew that Hisoka's soul was buried somewhere so deep that nobody could reach it. It still remained in his partner…

            …he only had to bring it back.

            He pulled the seemingly lifeless body into his arms, trying to at least give it a semblance of warmth. Hisoka wouldn't die; he could never accept it.

            So he simply chose not to.

            He had been running away for almost his entire life. 

            This time, he wanted to make sure that he didn't, that he would be here when Hisoka woke up.

            He was sure that Hisoka would wake up eventually.

            Because Hisoka made him a promise. Hisoka promised to let him stay with him.

            Hisoka would come back to keep that promise. Tsuzuki believed that.

            He had two days, two days to bring Hisoka back.

            He was going to make sure that Hisoka kept his promise, and he was going to make sure that _he kept his promise to Hisoka._

            A promise that he had broken many times, but did not want to break again.

            The promise to protect Hisoka.

***

            Minutes passed by, then hours, and finally a day.

            The day he had left changed into hours, and finally only one single hour was left.

            One hour. And Hisoka still showed no sign of waking. 

            Could Hisoka hear him? 

            _// Hisoka…wake up. Please wake up. //_

No amount of begging or crying on his part had help.

            He mustn't give up. He mustn't. If he did, Hisoka would die.

            Was he imagining it or did Hisoka really feel colder than before?

            Warming Hisoka's hands in his own, Tsuzuki focused his mind and continued calling, trying to reach out to wherever Hisoka's soul was.

            Hisoka saved his life. Now he would save Hisoka's.

            Why wouldn't Hisoka answer him? Did he hear him?

            _// Please…let me be there for you. Don't leave… //_

Minutes ticked by. There were only twenty minutes left.

            Hisoka was really leaving him. 

            The iciness of Hisoka's skin was seeping into him.

            Would Hisoka really leave him?

            Tsuzuki grasped Hisoka's hand in his firmly. If he couldn't reach Hisoka this way, maybe, just maybe…

            Slowly, little by little, Tsuzuki lowered his mental shields. Inch by inch, level by level, he tore the last of his own mental defenses away. 

            After training himself to shielding his mind around Hisoka, Tsuzuki had gotten used to having his shields at least partially up all the time.

            Tearing them away completely this way left him feeling defenseless and vulnerable.

            Pulling Hisoka's lifeless form to him, he reached out tentatively. 

            In his mind, he could picture the void of Hisoka's soul, he imagined himself filling that void with his own life force; see himself pouring his memories into the emptiness…memories that he shared with Hisoka.

            He held nothing back. He gave everything he had. Everything including the pain, the condemnation of his childhood, the shame….the fear. Everything. Anything less might fail in bringing Hisoka back.

            He was crying. He would do anything to save Hisoka, why wouldn't Hisoka answer him?

            Everybody had left him. Hisoka promised to stay, yet now he was slowly slipping away.

            _// Hisoka…don't leave me. Please don't leave me. //_

            He had given everything he had. 

            All he could do now was hope. Hope and cry for Hisoka to return to him.

***

            He was floating in a never-ending emptiness. There was nothing here to hurt him, nothing that could hurt him.

            He could already feel himself fading away; the end was coming. And when it came, he could finally be free from his pain.

            All he had to do was close his eyes and wait. Wait for his death.

            _Hisoka…don't leave me. Please don't leave me. _

_            //…Tsuzuki? //_

Memories started flooding back. Memories of all those little things that he treasured so much, the many things that reminded him of Tsuzuki.

            But…he couldn't remember everything anymore. He gave up his soul…so why…?

            These weren't his memories.

            _Don't leave me…_

They were Tsuzuki's memories.

            He was completely unprepared for the next wave that Tsuzuki sent him. These weren't memories as much as emotions.

            There was Tsuzuki's past. The pain, guilt, grief…

            Layer by layer he went through the multitude of emotions. Deeper and deeper…was this what a person's mind would become if they lived as long as Tsuzuki? He had always known that Tsuzuki hid most of himself from others, but to think that the depth of his emotions could be so complicated, so profound… Could he ever understand the pain that Tsuzuki was feeling?

            He didn't need to, because he was experiencing it now.

            Tsuzuki was showing him everything.

            Deeper and deeper he went, until he came to the one emotion that he thought he would never be able to understand.

            First there came friendship, than a deeper concern between family members, after that a need to be with the other…

            He delved deeper.

            He had sensed this emotion from Tsuzuki before. He couldn't understand it back then, because he had never truly experienced it.

            But comprehension had come along with Tsuzuki's emotions and memories. Because Tsuzuki understood that emotion, Hisoka now did as well.

            As that emotion touched him, it was the first time that Hisoka felt that his empathy was truly a gift instead of a curse.

            _:: Love :: _

            Was he really loved? Did Tsuzuki really care?

            _Come back, Hisoka. Please come back. Come home._

Home…his home was by Tsuzuki's side. He wanted to go home.

            But…could he?

            The pain…he couldn't take it anymore.

            But if it was for to be with Tsuzuki…

            It was only then that he realized that the pain was gone. 

            What remained was only the warmth and familiarity of Tsuzuki's mind.

            Tsuzuki would never hurt him. Even the pain of Tsuzuki's memories was familiar; he wasn't afraid of it.

            Tsuzuki can make the pain and fear go away. Tsuzuki would give him the strength he needed. Tsuzuki would never leave him.

            He had never needed anybody that badly before. It used to scare him once, but he wasn't afraid anymore.

            Reaching up, Hisoka chose to accept the warmth that Tsuzuki offered.

            He could feel their life forces synchronizing, moving in perfect harmonization, as if it had never been anything but one.

            Dual forces melded within him as a bond formed between them, a bond that ran deeper than even that of a mother and her child, a bond that would be impossible to break.

            It created a bridge between them; it gave him something to hold on to while he made his slow ascent.

            Light flooded his vision. It stung his eyes but he welcomed it. It proved that he was alive.

            Large amethyst eyes that were filled with tears came into view. He had always felt that Tsuzuki's eyes were beautiful.

            Tsuzuki was smiling at him, and through their newfound bond, he knew that those were tears of joy. 

            Tsuzuki hugged him tightly, and this time, Hisoka wanted him to never let go.

            "Welcome home…Hisoka." 

            Home. He was finally home.

            "Welcome home."

***

_-- So? Like it? Hate it? Tell me, please…_

_-- In reply to one of the reviews: No, Muraki wasn't being careless. Since when was he ever careless anyway? You'll see. ^^_

_-- And I do so love it when Tsuzuki patches Hisoka up with lotsa snuggles and hugs. _


	9. Chapter Eight

_Chapter Eight_

Hisoka sat up in bed, reading a book while listening to the bustle of the people around him. The infirmary was hardly quiet as other co-workers and Shinigami frequently dropped in with get-well wishes and gifts.

            Wakaba had come by and stayed with him for about half and hour or so, asking him to try her latest brownies. Terazuma came along as well, giving him an awkward pat on the head and telling him to get well soon or a certain slacker would never get anything done. The conspicuous glare he shot at Tsuzuki left no doubt at all as to who _that_ slacker was. 

            Yuma and Saya came with their usual confessions of undying love; Watari came in for his daily check-up, Konoe-kachou to see how he was doing, Tatsumi to remind him to get enough rest. 

            Some of them came more than once. Hisoka was getting headaches from all of the attention, especially from Yuma and Saya, who seemed to think that he looked adorably cute in a hospital gown.

            But he didn't mind, they were all sincerely concerned about him, and even if he wouldn't admit it, he liked it. It warmed him up inside.

            They came and went, and through it all, Tsuzuki stayed by his side.

            The other Shinigami sat by the side of the bed doing paperwork, because Tatsumi couldn't stand the idea of actually letting somebody sit around doing nothing. He had wanted to drag Tsuzuki away from the infirmary and send him back to the office, saying that Hisoka was most unlikely to disappear within the duration of a few hours, but puppy-dog eyes and a reminder of the phrase, "Your happiness is my happiness," made him relent. Tsuzuki was infinitely happy until Tatsumi retaliated by sending him mountains of paperwork. Tsuzuki was about to whine till Tatsumi gave in, but the ultimatum, "Finish it or you're going back to work," cut off any further complaints.

            Night finally fell, and with it came silence after all the employees of Enmacho stopped by to say goodbyes. 

            That left only him and Tsuzuki in the infirmary, with Tsuzuki still struggling through the piles of documents that didn't look any smaller after a day of the Shinigami's labour. Tsuzuki had never been proficient in handling paperwork; Hisoka usually had to help him through it. 

            Tsuzuki's frustration and aggravation hummed through their bond, and Hisoka was just going to tell him to get done with the whining and start working already when Tsuzuki dumped all the files back onto the side table and stood up.

            "I'm hungry…what do you want, Hisoka?"

            Hisoka raised an eyebrow. "You don't deserve to be hungry," he said while giving the heaps of unfinished paperwork a pointed look.

            Tsuzuki wilted. Hisoka did not only see the puppy-ears and tail hanging miserably; he could _feel_ the man's dejection.

            It wasn't feeling in the way his empathy allowed him to; it wasn't overwhelming, nor was it intrusive.

            He felt it as a part of him, a part that he accepted as himself. 

            Nobody knew about their bond. Everybody had bombarded Tsuzuki and him with questions; they all wanted to know how Tsuzuki had brought him back.

            Tsuzuki had merely said, "I called, and he answered."

            It wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't exactly a lie.

            Their bond was something private, something that others did not need to know.

            Watari was surprised at Hisoka's rate of recovery. The blonde scientist was particularly fascinated by the way Hisoka now managed his newly enhanced abilities without major mental breakdowns, and very puzzled as to why Hisoka's body wasn't drained by the new demands of his empathy.

            Hisoka didn't tell him that it was because he did not only have his own life force, that the strength from Tsuzuki's soul was sustaining him as well.

            Together, it was enough. 

            As to why he wasn't badly affected by others' emotions, it was because Tsuzuki's feelings overrode everybody else's. The warmth and concern the other radiated while they were together were the only emotions that Hisoka could ever sense. This acted as shield that blocked other people's emotions to a degree that his empathy felt no different from what he originally had.

            But Watari didn't need to know that. 

            The bond ran two ways. Right now, Tsuzuki knew that he didn't really mean what he said a moment ago, and was still pestering him on what he wanted for dinner.

            Some things just never changed.

            Things between them certainly hadn't. Tsuzuki was still as outwardly idiotic, and he still managed to get on Hisoka's nerves sometimes.

            There was just the addition of the mutual understanding between them. But then, Tsuzuki had always seemed to know what he wanted, so…

            Perhaps the only difference was that Hisoka now understood what Tsuzuki truly felt.

            "Will ramen do?" Tsuzuki asked.

            Hisoka nodded uninterestedly. Tsuzuki bounded off happily.

            He returned later with not only ramen, but plates of desserts as well.

            Hisoka pointed an accusatory finger at the cakes. "Where did you get those?" If Tsuzuki had stolen those from Konoe-Kachou's private stash, he was going to have Hell to face tomorrow. 

            Tsuzuki pouted. "Hi-so-kaa…" He knew that Hisoka was thinking of him as a thief. "Wakaba left them."

            "You can't finish all of that," he pointed out.

            Tsuzuki merely smiled, purple eyes twinkling mischievously. "I will. Or there wouldn't be any left tomorrow if Watari or Konoe-Kachou sees them."

            "Idiot," Hisoka muttered.

            They ate their dinner in silence after that. Tsuzuki paid very little attention to his proper meal and was a lot more interested in the desserts. 

            "Hisoka, try this," he said, handing a cupcake to the boy.

            Hisoka shook his head and took up his book again.

            "Hisoka…"

            "What?" The younger Shinigami's tone was decidedly grumpy.

            "Just try one."

            "Not everyone wants to die from diabetes or heart attacks the way you do."

            "Hi-so-kaaa…"

            Hisoka started when the book in his hands was picked away and replaced with the cupcake.

            "I told you…"

            "I always feel that normal teenagers like sweets. Besides, this isn't too sweet, you'll like it."

            Hisoka looked at the cupcake in his hands. "I'm hardly normal."

            Tsuzuki looked at him, violet eyes unfathomable. He wanted to say something to cover up that statement, say something to deny the feelings of resent he had felt when he said that, but he couldn't. Because of their bond, it was impossible to lie anymore. To hide, maybe, but never to lie.

            Tsuzuki smiled softly. Emerald eyes widened in surprise when he was enveloped in a warm hug, physically and emotionally.

            "Of course you're not. No one normal can be as wonderful as you are."

            Hisoka looked up at him speechlessly. He didn't know if he should yell at the man to let go of him, or…or…

            He didn't know what to do.

            "You think too much," Tsuzuki told him. This time, the elder Shinigami's eyes were twinkling.

            "You don't have to make yourself think through everything you do. Sometimes…" There was that gentle smile again. He liked it when Tsuzuki smiled at him. Not those false smiles that Tsuzuki gave to prove to the world that he was all right, but the true smiles that were always so rare and precious.

            "Sometimes all you have to do is follow your heart."

            "Baka…" Hisoka said softly, "You're hardly in the position to criticize, you never think."

            But he didn't tell the other man to let go of him.

            He knew that he never wanted Tsuzuki to let go.

            Follow his heart…Tsuzuki would understand how he felt.

            Tsuzuki laughed softly. "I'm not normal either."

            Hisoka looked at him. True, Tsuzuki's eyes made him different from other people, but his eyes also made him beautiful.

            Hisoka didn't say anything. 

            Words just weren't needed between them anymore.

***

            Occasionally, they would go out for walks. The cherry blossoms in Meifu were forever in bloom, since the underworld never experienced any other season but spring.

            He would have been able to appreciate the scenery if the pure beauty of the pastel pink blossoms had not been tainted by his own memories of blood and death.

            Sometimes they came out because Tsuzuki would get restless after hours of being cooped up in the infirmary with tons of paperwork. Sometimes it was Hisoka who wanted to escape from the sterile walls that frequently greeted him whenever he woke up.

            Sometimes Tsuzuki would hold his hand when they walked, sometimes they walked apart.

            Whatever it was, they were always together.

            This time, they sat together on one of the benches because Hisoka was tired. Tsuzuki was the one who said he wanted a rest, but Hisoka knew it was because of him.

            They merely sat in companionable silence. This was something they've done many times before, and both of them were comfortable with it.

            Tsuzuki was the one who broke the tradition. Raising his head to watch the falling sakura petals, he said softly, "Meifu hasn't changed at all since I entered. A century…and nothing has changed at all."

            Hisoka turned to face him. When Tsuzuki had said that, he had sensed a faint wave of regret, nostalgia, and strangely…contentment.

            "Nature never changes, and neither do objects, but people do," he continued, "The people are almost all different."

            "It hurts, sometimes," he said quietly.

            Hisoka gave him a sharp glance. "I thought that I've told you that you aren't the type for philosophy."

            Tsuzuki laughed at that. "I supposed I'm not."

            "Ne, Hisoka, have you ever wished that sometimes it were things that changed instead of people?" A question with a thousand possibilities and meanings. What did Tsuzuki mean? Was it the meaning on the surface of those seemingly simple words, or did Tsuzuki mean to ask him something deeper than that?

            Was Tsuzuki asking him if he felt that their surroundings ought to be changed, or…

            Or was Tsuzuki asking him if it were _they_ who ought to be changed, that the way things were between them should be different? 

            Hisoka chose to think about the question in the simple way. 

            And he found that he couldn't find the answer to even the simple context of the question.

            Hisoka caught a falling petal in his palm and toyed with it. "I…I don't know." He really didn't. People had never meant much to him. In fact, he had always felt that the world would be a much a better place without humans altogether. 

            At least, until he met Tsuzuki.

            Tsuzuki, however, was different. He wanted to be accepted, to be with other humans, to be treated as one. Human lives meant a lot to him. Hisoka wondered why he still wanted to be with other people after the way they treated him. Tsuzuki seemed to be able to forgive almost every injustice that was done unto him.

            Hisoka himself had hated the people who abused him. He couldn't forgive, and he knew he would never forgive. Why should he? No one had ever given him what he deserved. Because of an ability he hadn't even asked for in the first place, he was despised. It seemed unfair to him. He had done nothing wrong.

            In that aspect, like in many other ways, he and Tsuzuki were different.

            No one spoke after that. 

What had Tsuzuki meant when he asked that question? Maybe he should ask. 

But if he did…suddenly Hisoka was afraid of the answer that Tsuzuki might give him. 

Did Tsuzuki want to change the way things were between them? 

Maybe…maybe Tsuzuki had finally gotten fed up of being saddled with a child who was frequently in need of protection.

Maybe he was tired of being a guardian of an eternal sixteen-year-old.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

Hisoka knew he wasn't getting anywhere with this. He could only ask.

Hisoka finally looked up from the petal in his hand and returned the question, "What about you? Do you wish for things to change?"

            Tsuzuki smiled. Suddenly turning around to face Hisoka, he tapped the other on the nose, ignoring the death glare that Hisoka gave him. 

            "Um…as for me…"

            Hisoka waited.

            "…it depends." There was that familiar mischievous twinkle in the elder man's eyes, and the laughter in their bond told Hisoka that Tsuzuki was teasing him on purpose.

            "Baka." There was a certainty in Tsuzuki's mind when Hisoka had asked him that question. The man knew the answer; he just didn't want to tell.

            "Why should I tell you when you wouldn't tell me?" Tsuzuki asked childishly. It has always been like that. From time to time, Tsuzuki would display the maturity and experience that still sometimes managed to catch Hisoka unawares, no matter what they've been through together. But most of the time he was like this—childish, innocent, and naïve. 

            "Because I really don't know, idiot!"

            "Mou…" 

            "You know." the serious tone in the other's voice surprised him.

            Again that mysterious smile. Tsuzuki's eyes were no longer childishly innocent. True, the straightforwardness and sincerity were still there, but this time the innocence was buried deep underneath the knowledge that rose to the surface. Tsuzuki's eyes looked strange on him; they were eyes that had seen too much, knew too much; eyes that spoke of experience, knowledge and wisdom. On Tsuzuki's youthful face, they looked out of place. 

            Hisoka turned away; those eyes seemed to be able to read everything in his mind. Tsuzuki always managed to make him forget that the other had in truth already lived for a century, and the sudden reminder of how much older Tsuzuki was, of how much more he knew made Hisoka feel like the ungainly kid that he was.

            "You know; you just haven't realized it yet," Tsuzuki said. 

            Hisoka was about to argue that he did _not_ know, when Tsuzuki smiled. It was the kind of smile adults wore when they had a secret.

            "You know," he repeated.

            Hisoka didn't answer. He leaned back against the bench and closed his eyes, choosing instead to immerse himself in the calm and tranquility of their surroundings, take in the security and comfort that Tsuzuki's presence offered.

            He felt strangely tired. Not mentally tired because of the weird question Tsuzuki set him, but physically tired. He hadn't felt this way ever since Watari announced he was well on the way to recovery. He wondered why. It wasn't as if he hadn't gotten enough rest; he did almost nothing but laze in bed all day long.

            "Hisoka…" Strong arms pulled him up from where he was. Hisoka was shocked to find that he was leaning almost all of his weight against his partner. He immediately jerked himself upright, but stumbled before he could even take a step. 

            He gave an undignified squeak when he was lifted from the ground.

            "Put me down, baka!"

            Tsuzuki ignored him. The man didn't even make an effort to answer.

            He did answer when Hisoka bit him. 

            "Ouch!!! Hi-so-kaaa!" 

            Hisoka didn't know what came over him. He just wanted Tsuzuki to put him down. He didn't like being a burden, and he didn't certainly didn't want Tsuzuki to think that he was some useless kid that couldn't even stand on his feet.

            "I said put me down!"

            "No," Tsuzuki answered firmly. 

            "Tsuzuki Asato, if you don't…"

            "There's nothing wrong with being tired."

            Hisoka couldn't help looking up at the man when he said that.

            "You've been through a lot, Hisoka. There's nothing wrong if you feel exhausted; anybody else would have felt the same."

            Hisoka decided that just for once he would give in to his idiot of his partner. It wasn't as if he could ever win a physical fight if Tsuzuki put his mind to it, regardless of the countless times when he had whapped his partner for being stupid.

            _"Sometimes all you have to do is follow your heart."_

Did he want things to change between them?

            Did Tsuzuki want things to change?

_            // Baka… //_

Hisoka wasn't even conscious of the fact that he was no longer thinking of Tsuzuki's question in the simple way, but was thinking of it in its deeper, more profound meaning, the one that held all the weight of those seemingly innocent words.

            _"Ne, Hisoka, have you ever wished that sometimes it were things that changed instead of people?"_

_            // I wish… //_

***

            As usual, Tsuzuki stayed the night with him.

            It had begun with the other sleeping on the couch, but some way or other, Tsuzuki had progressed to the bed.

            It was probably when he had woke up screaming from a nightmare and Tsuzuki had come over to hug him and comfort him. 

            The comforting lasted throughout the night, because the fear of the nightmare just wouldn't go away.

            After that, they shared the bed through unspoken agreement. Hisoka never offered to let Tsuzuki sleep with him, and Tsuzuki never asked either. They just…_did_.

            The nightmares didn't completely go away, but they rarely occurred anymore.

            "Hisoka…"

            "Hn?" Hisoka asked sleepily. The warmth beside him was comforting, and it always managed to lull him to sleep.

            Tsuzuki said something that he didn't quite hear.

            Then he heard something.

            "You're never a burden…Hisoka."

            Never a burden…relief flooded into his already drowsy mind.

            "And…Hisoka?"

            Tsuzuki wrapped his arms around him. Hisoka didn't protest as he normally would.

            _"Never a burden…"_

            Tsuzuki had heard his thoughts just now, and as usual, he said something that would put Hisoka's fears to rest.

            The way a mother or father would.

            Hisoka leaned against that embrace. Normally, he would have ignored it, avoided showing any form of affection.

            He could feel Tsuzuki's surprise, and then the gentle gratification and fulfillment that followed.

            With their bond, it all became a part of him.

            "Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked again.

            "You knew what I meant just now," the other said softly before resting his head on top of Hisoka's own. 

            Hisoka could feel the other's warm breath tickling the hairs on his nape. 

            _// What he meant… //_

            Tsuzuki's question.

            Tsuzuki asked if he wanted to change the way things were between them.

            _"What about you? Do you wish for things to change?" _

_            "…it depends."_

Tsuzuki said that it depends.

            Did it…did it depend on his decision?

            It was just like Tsuzuki--selfless, patient and considerate.

            _// What I wish for… //_

Tsuzuki said that he already knew what he wanted; he just hadn't realized it yet.

            What did he want?

            What did Tsuzuki want?

            Hisoka fell asleep, and this time he dreamed of warm hands, soft words, and caring touches.

            _// I want… //_

***

_-- Just for your knowledge, I've actually finished this story about…half a month or so ago. What I'm doing right now is merely a little editing and a few corrections here and there before posting it. And yes, even in something as trivial as that, it takes me a week for one ready chapter. Really._


	10. Chapter Nine

_Warnings: Okaaay, let's hope that no one goes, "Eh? What the heck is going on?!" And yes, there is only the epilogue left after this._

_Chapter Nine_

Tsuzuki was already up and about when Hisoka opened his eyes blearily.          

            "Hisoka!!!" Tsuzuki exclaimed happily, sprouting the adorable puppy-ears and tail that melted everybody's hearts. So far, only Tatsumi seemed to be outwardly immune to Tsuzuki's charm. But whenever Tatsumi looked at Tsuzuki, Hisoka could sense…

            Hisoka shook his head, banishing all thoughts of Tatsumi. What Tatsumi felt for Tsuzuki was purely the other's man business and wasn't of his concern.

            Hisoka used to be unaffected by Tsuzuki's mannerisms and antics as well, but after a while, his defenses had started slipping. More often than not, they would get into an argument with Hisoka seemingly having the upper hand, yet ending up giving in to the other without even knowing it. 

            He supposed that Tsuzuki's puppy-dog charm was universally effective.

            "Hisoka! What do you want for breakfast?"

            "Anything except your cooking would be fine," Hisoka muttered groggily.

            "You're sooo mean! What's wrong with my cooking?"

            "Not only is your cooking terrible, your taste buds must be failing from old age as well," Hisoka answered irritably. He wasn't in the best of conditions today.

            "Mou…"

            "Quiet, or I'll kick you out of the room!"

            Tsuzuki walked over and took his customary position by the side of the bed.

            "Hisoka…"

            "Just go away, I have a headache." Somehow, he felt guilty for telling Tsuzuki off. The other had only meant well, after all.

            But then, things had always been that way between them. Tsuzuki would openly display his affection, and Hisoka would just swipe him away.

            _"Ne, Hisoka, have you ever wished that sometimes it were things that changed instead of people?"_

Hisoka buried his head into his pillow. His brain didn't seem to be functioning very well. Thinking about weird philosophy only made him feel worse.

            Tsuzuki placed a hand on his forehead worriedly. 

            "Hisoka, you have a fever."

            "Uh huh…" Hisoka didn't really bother to listen to what Tsuzuki was saying. 

            "I'll get Watari," Tsuzuki said before hurrying off.

            Hisoka wanted to tell him that no, he did _not_ have to get Watari because he didn't want to go through another one of Watari's checkups and he was sure that he would be fine after a day's sleep.

            But Tsuzuki was already gone.

***

            "Um…I think he'll be fine after a day's rest."

            If Hisoka had the strength, he would have glared at Tsuzuki and said, "See? I told you so," but since he hadn't, he just turned to face the other side of the room.

            He could feel Tsuzuki's worry through their bond. Why was Tsuzuki making such a fuss over an ordinary fever? 

            "Are you sure, Watari? I mean, he doesn't fe…look very well right now," Tsuzuki asked anxiously.

            Hisoka noticed the near slip that Tsuzuki almost made. He had been about to say 'feel' instead of 'look'. 

            He had almost forgotten that whatever he was feeling, Tsuzuki would feel as well. Not as if Tsuzuki himself had a fever, but more like…

            Hisoka knew he wasn't drawing the best of comparisons, but it was as though Tsuzuki was touching the fur of a puppy and being able to feel if the fur was rough or silky. If the puppy had a skin disease, Tsuzuki wouldn't exactly experience the pain, but he could _feel_ the effects by touching the fur that would either be coarse or unkempt.

            Hisoka supposed that his fever must really be affecting his mind processes. _Puppies_, of all things.

            Tsuzuki was giving him weird looks. Of all the times for the man to be reading his mind…

            Tsuzuki must have thought that he'd finally gone crazy.

            Hisoka knew that he was blushing. But since his cheeks were already flushed from his fever, nobody really noticed.

            Except Tsuzuki.

            Hisoka could feel Tsuzuki laughing through their bond.

            He wanted to strangle his partner right then and there.

            "I guess I'd better be going," Watari said, totally oblivious to the byplay of the other two. "Get some rest, Bon."

            Tsuzuki saw the scientist off before settling beside Hisoka, propping his elbows on the bed and looking up at the young boy with a playful grin on his face.

            "What?" Hisoka demanded, annoyed.

            "Nothing," Tsuzuki answered, still smiling.

            Hisoka closed his eyes and tried to sleep, totally ignoring his partner.

            He found that he couldn't sleep, not with the way Tsuzuki was looking at him. He seemed to be able to feel the other's intense gaze dissecting his every feature.

            Finally opening his eyes with a sigh, he said threateningly, "Tsuzuki…"

            "I'm sorry." For some reason, Tsuzuki felt hurt. The elder Shinigami sat back up and looked away from Hisoka. 

            Hisoka closed his eyes again. He didn't feel as awkward now, but Tsuzuki…

            "You looked so cute with your eyes closed."

            Emerald eyes snapped open again. 

            Hisoka was silent as he tried to think of a suitable comeback to that statement. 

            For now, he couldn't think of any, as his brain seemed to have shut down from embarrassment.

            Tsuzuki seemed amused. 

            "You don't have to think of a way to yell at me, you know…" he said, ruffling Hisoka's hair, which annoyed the other.

            "Though I suppose I don't really mind," he said after a moment's reflection.

            Hisoka peered up at him from under long eyelashes warily. That was said sincerely. Tsuzuki didn't mind at all.

            In fact…in fact…

            Hisoka felt the heat rising in cheeks all over again.

            In fact Tsuzuki found even that _cute_ as well.

            Tsuzuki must be crazy.

            "You should sleep," Tsuzuki said while pulling the blankets up over Hisoka.

            Hisoka wanted to remind the man that it was because of _him _that he couldn't get any sleep, but couldn't bring his heart to it when he looked into melting amethyst eyes.

            It seemed that he had just developed a soft spot for Tsuzuki's eyes. Or maybe it had always been there, and he'd only just discovered it.

            "Sleep, Hisoka," Tsuzuki said softly.

            Hisoka closed his eyes and felt himself drifting off with the constant reminder of Tsuzuki's steady presence by his side.

***

            Hisoka opened his eyes to find that he was in a vast field, with soft sakura petals falling gently to the ground with each gust of wind. 

            He didn't know what; but something to compelled him to walk on, a foreign yet magnetic presence that beckoned to him.

            It was a very dark night, the sky devoid of any presence except for the…

            Except for the bleeding image of a crimson moon.

            This was his dream of what happened before his death.

            He wanted to run, but he couldn't. He merely stood there, held by that frightening force, making him wait till a familiar figure emerged.

            The demon in the guise of a silver angel.

            This time there was no woman, no brutal murder, only him and the man who took his life.

            They looked at each other for what seemed like eternity, but was in a fact only moments.

            Muraki smiled. Hisoka wanted to cry at the sight of that smile. He tried to bring himself to run, but he couldn't free himself from the man's hypnotic gaze.

            Muraki walked towards him slowly. Hisoka remained standing as he approached, green eyes wide with fear.

            And still he couldn't bring himself to run.

            Muraki ran a finger down his cheek, whispering words that he heard, yet didn't really hear.

            Hands made theirs way down his trembling chest, further down…

            He didn't run.

            He didn't want this; he didn't want this…

            He did nothing as the man repeated what he had done to him not only once but twice.

            All the while, emerald eyes stared into the crazed eyes of a murderer.

            _// No, I don't want this…someone save me… //_

            There was a soft whisper…Muraki was saying something…

            _Let me see the radiance of a dying spirit…_

            _// Tsuzuki!!!!!! //_

***

            Hisoka woke up in Tsuzuki's arms, drenched in sweat and tears. Crying into Tsuzuki's chest, he drank everything of Tsuzuki almost desperately—the warmth, the comfort, the reassurance…

            He remained crying.

            Tsuzuki held him silently until the weeping diminished into quiet sobs before saying quietly, "It's a dream, Hisoka. A dream."

            Tsuzuki didn't ask if he was all right all not, because it was obvious that he wasn't. He didn't ask if there was anything that he could do to make Hisoka feel better, because he knew that he was already doing everything he could.

            He only told Hisoka that it was dream.

            It might have seemed foolish to others; they would think that Tsuzuki was only stating the obvious.

            But it was part of what Hisoka needed. He knew that it was only a dream, but fear of a dream is as real as any other fear.

            Having Tsuzuki confirm that it was just a dream helped to ease the fear.

            Tsuzuki laid him gently back onto the bed and climbed in with him, pulling the covers over them. Wrapping his arms around of Hisoka, he was love, concern, and support.

            Hisoka merely closed his eyes, unable to return to sleep so soon after the horror of the nightmare.

            Tsuzuki began softly humming. He did that the first time they were like this, saying that it was a song his sister used to sing to him--a special song. It helped soothed the fears away.

            His mother used to sing to him before she called him a monster.

            He liked the gentle quality of Tsuzuki's voice.

            Gradually, Tsuzuki began to place the words to the tune.

            _Wash the pain away, let me touch your soul._

_            Wash the fear away, I will never let you cry._

_Wash the tears away, let the laughter flow._

_            Wash the doubt away, I will make you fly._

Again and again, Tsuzuki repeated the song. Like Tsuzuki, it was all simplicity, innocence, and warm affection.

            Tsuzuki said that it was a special song that no one else knew about. He said that it was one of the few things of his sister's that he still kept.

            He shared it with Hisoka. He said that he wanted Hisoka to hear it as well.

_Wash the pain away, let me touch your soul._

Tsuzuki had already done that. He tore down all the barriers that barred anybody from reaching Hisoka's soul. Their souls, blending and existing together, stretched out between two beings; Tsuzuki had indeed touched his soul.

_Wash the fear away, I will never let you cry._

He didn't know. He didn't know if there would come a day when both of them wouldn't cry anymore. But with Tsuzuki the tears were lesser. Did he do the same in return? Did Tsuzuki cry as often as he once did? Or did Hisoka make the tears lesser as well?

_Wash the tears away, let the laughter flow._

He had stopped laughing after he was abandoned by the people around him. Till now, he had not even smiled a true smile. Could Tsuzuki make him smile? He had long since forgotten how. Tsuzuki smiled and laughed, but they were almost always false. He liked it when Tsuzuki gave him one of his true smiles; he treasured each and every one of them. They told him that he could make Tsuzuki smile.

            _Wash the doubt away, I will make you fly._

Was it possible? Could he really be free from all the pain, fear and tears?

            Could Tsuzuki make him fly?

            The promise…Tsuzuki said that together, there was nothing that they couldn't do.

            He leaned into Tsuzuki's embrace as the other tightened his hold.

            Together, there was nothing that they couldn't do.

***

            Everything around him was dark. He was in a cold, empty room, trapped within the hostility of the blank, staring wall. 

            He touched the walls hesitantly. Could he get out?

            He turned again to face the one person he did not want to see.

            He was in another bad dream.

            This time, he made himself back away, away from the demon before him.

            They stared into the other's eyes with each step they took.

            Hisoka stopped when he felt the rough surface of the wall behind him. Muraki's silver gaze remained locked onto his.

            Rough hands traveled down his body, taking what they wanted, giving nothing in return.

            He was crying again. 

            _Let me see the radiance of a dying spirit…_

            Pain…he felt only pain. 

            Listlessly, he looked past the shattered glass of a broken window that revealed the world outside.

            He could see only a moon that was drenched in blood.

            Pain…

            _// Tsuzuki, help me… //_

***

            Hisoka woke up, his chest heaving as pain wrecked his body. He could barely feel Tsuzuki's soothing presence through the pain that now controlled him.

            Raising trembling hands to his face, his vision was filled with red when he saw the marks that Muraki had left on him.

            Two ancient sets of curses, pulsing in alternation with each other, flaring a brilliant read against his fair skin.

            He could feel Tsuzuki's shock and horror rolling through their bond in waves.

            He felt himself spiraling down into darkness…the welcomed darkness, where he wouldn't feel the pain anymore.

            He could hear Tsuzuki calling him frantically.

            "Hisoka, you're burning…Hisoka!"

            Darkness overcame him.

***

            This time, Tsuzuki wasn't holding him when he woke up. The other was running his fingers through his hair in the way he always did, his face pale and worn.

            Tsuzuki smiled when he saw that Hisoka was awake.

            It was a false smile.

            "Would you like anything to drink? Something to eat?" Tsuzuki asked.

            Hisoka shook his head. 

            Silence fell. Not the silence that they knew and treasured, but an uneasy, ominous silence.

            Hisoka looked into the other's eyes, but Tsuzuki turned his face away with the pretense of wiping away non-existent dust from his eyes.

            Tsuzuki was hiding something.

            "Tsuzuki…" Hisoka reached out through their bond.

            Tsuzuki backed away from his mental touch.

            "You're hiding something," Hisoka accused. He was starting to get rather alarmed. Tsuzuki had never rejected his empathic touch before, why had the other cringed away just now?

            "I'm not," Tsuzuki answered. This time, he drew Hisoka into a hug. It didn't offer the comfort that it usually did. "There's no need to be afraid."

            Hisoka forced the man to meet his eyes. "You're lying."

            Tsuzuki had been crying. And from what Hisoka could feel through their bond, he had been crying for ages. Inside, Tsuzuki was still crying; it was just that he didn't have any tears left.

            Tsuzuki immediately released him when he realized that Hisoka could feel everything that he was trying to hide through their contact.

            "Tsuzuki…what's wrong?"

            Tsuzuki seemed about to place a hand on his, but withdrew it in mid-air as though he had thought the better of it. 

            "Nothing's wrong, Hisoka," he said soothingly.

            Hisoka finally lost his temper. "You're lying! Something's wrong and you just won't tell me!"

            "I would never lie to you…"

            Emerald eyes burned in fury. "Even that one sentence is already a lie, because you just lied to me by saying that there was nothing wrong."

            Tsuzuki didn't answer to that.

            "You can't lie to me any more. Not with what we have between us now," Hisoka told him coldly, "You should know that."

            "That doesn't mean that I have to tell you everything!" 

            Hisoka fell silent at that. True, that didn't mean that Tsuzuki had to tell him everything. 

            "But you shouldn't have lied to me," Hisoka said quietly.

            Tsuzuki turned away, but Hisoka could feel the sudden wave of grief and anguish that flooded through their bond. 

            "I'm…sorry," Hisoka said finally, "It's just that I'm worried…and you wouldn't tell me anything, sorry."

            Tsuzuki turned to face him again, violet eyes unreadable. None of them spoke for a while.

            "Does it…does it have anything to do with me?" Hisoka asked tentatively, fearing Tsuzuki's reaction.

            Tsuzuki didn't say anything, but Hisoka already knew the answer. Tsuzuki might be adept at shielding his emotions, but that was discounting the presence of their bond.

            "If it does, I want to know what it is." Hisoka decided to push on. If Tsuzuki wouldn't tell him, maybe Watari could, or Tatsumi.

            "Don't ask them anything!" Tsuzuki said sharply as a faint wave of alarm passed through the bond.

            "Then you could at least tell me."

            Tsuzuki looked pained. "Hisoka, please…everything's fine. You don't have to…"

            "If it's about me, I deserve to know."

            Tsuzuki suddenly jerked his head away, but not before Hisoka saw a gleam of tears in his eyes. 

            "It isn't important, Hisoka."

            "Then why are you crying?" Hisoka asked.

            Tsuzuki smiled weakly. Hisoka wanted to tell him to just give up on the pretense because it didn't work anymore.

            "It's something else."

            "You're lying again."

            Hisoka placed a hand on Tsuzuki's arm hesitantly. "Tsuzuki…please…it's even worse not knowing."

            Hisoka gasped as Tsuzuki suddenly pulled him into his arms and started crying openly. 

            "I'm sorry…I'm sorry. It's all my fault…" 

            _:: Grief sorrow pain guilt remorse ::_

"Hisoka…I'm sorry…why does it always happen…"

            "Tsuzuki…what…?" 

            Tsuzuki suddenly pulled away and brushed back the hair from Hisoka's face. 

            "No…we still have time…"

            He hugged Hisoka tightly. "We still have time…"

            Hisoka lifted his head to look at the other. "Tsuzuki, I don't understand."

            Tsuzuki finally let go of him and turned away, clutching his head in his hands.

            "I…I can't…it's…"

            He suddenly reached out to pull back one of Hisoka's sleeves, revealing the scars of the two curses that Muraki had placed on him.

            Their eyes met for one moment before Tsuzuki lowered his eyes to the ground, his fists clenching and unclenching angrily.

            Hisoka merely stared at the scars on his arms, stared at the welts crisscrossing each other almost angrily, half of it still fresh, half of it dull with age.

            "Everything's going to be fine, Hisoka," Tsuzuki said softly.

            "Tell me…" 

            And Tsuzuki finally told him. 

            He told him without words, but expressed more than any word could say.

            Tsuzuki thought of blood and death, of life and suffering…

            And finally of hope and defeat.

            Hisoka listened, staying perfectly still as Tsuzuki's thoughts washed over him in waves.

            At the end of it, Tsuzuki was crying again.

            Hisoka let the other man hug him, let Tsuzuki try to comfort him, for that was what the other was trying to do.

            And in return, Tsuzuki took comfort from the act of reassuring, took in warmth even while he was giving it.

            There were no tears in Hisoka's eyes as he stared blankly ahead. He had experienced death before. He had been through torture that made death a means of escapism.

            To go through it again…

            He didn't want to die. It didn't matter last time if he died or not, because back then he had no one.

            But this time, he had Tsuzuki. He had a family, a family that he only gained after his death.

            He didn't want to lose any of them. 

            Perhaps he should be crying, but the tears just wouldn't come.

            The marks of the fatal curses showed perfectly on his otherwise unblemished skin. There was the first curse that had led him to where he was now…

            And the second that would take him away, take him to yet another world, one that was beyond the one he was in right now.

            What happened to Shinigami after they died?

            He supposed he was going to find out soon.

            "We still have time," Tsuzuki whispered hoarsely.

            Hisoka understood. The last time, he had suffered for three years under Muraki's curse. 

            "Three years…" he replied softly. Three years of pain and suffering, knowing nothing but torment and the ever-present longing to die.

            Three years…

            Hisoka looked into the Tsuzuki's amethyst eyes, the eyes that he had always thought were so beautiful. 

            Three years of pain…it was worth it.

            He buried his face in Tsuzuki's chest. The tears were finally flowing freely now.

            For Tsuzuki, it was worth it.

***

_-- Just one question: I don't know if I'm wrong in my assumptions…but if the number reviews are a way to tell you if a chapter is good or not (personally, I don't think so, but most people do), than the last one wasn't as good as the rest. Was there a flaw in it? If I'm lacking in anything, or if you feel it was terrible, just say so, please?_

_-- As for Muraki, I really hate to spoil it, and I know that people are going to yell at me, but no Muraki/Tsuzuki confrontation, which means no fighting or something of the likes. I know, it's a tragedy (I love it when Tsuzuki bashes Muraki, only that he's hardly capable of it emotionally, suckers), but I just couldn't fit it in. Besides, Tsuzuki-san now has something even more important and pressing on his mind than revenge.  ^^ I do _so _love angst. (But too much angst also makes people ill…oh well)_              


	11. Epilogue

_Epilogue_

The soft breeze tugged gently at stray strands of soft gold and rich chocolate, whispering of unspoken promises and desperate hope. The falling sakura petals created a blanket around them, dusting the land like pastel pink snow. The fallen blossoms seemed to mock the people who stood among them.

Nature never changed. Spring lasted forever, and the very same sakura trees bloomed every year.

It was the people who changed.

Life was always a passing dream. Like all dreams, try as you might to hold on to it, it would always fade, soon to disappear without leaving anything behind.

Was death any different?

Death was even more surreal than life. For in death, you might claim to exist, but you could never say that you lived.

And when even death could be taken away from you, would you dare say that death is the final escape from life?

Would it not be better to be part of the land, where things are forever there, everlasting and eternal?

What did nature feel as it watched the fleeting lives that pass through it?

Did it feel pain and joy? Or did it feel nothing?

That is what a person could never find out.

Because we are all forever dreaming.

Death is never an escape.

For there is no escape from the dream of existence.

Like all people who dreamed, Kurosaki Hisoka silently watched his dream unfold itself in shades of emerald and amethyst.

This was a dream he never wanted to end, yet knew would never last.

Tsuzuki stood by his side, his head lifted to watch the wind take the soft sakura petals, violet eyes clouded with deep emotion.

The tears were long gone, because neither of them had any tears left.

Was he going to lose Tsuzuki?

Perhaps the promise to stay with each other for eternity was an impossible dream from the very beginning.

Together…it would never last.

Tsuzuki sensed his thoughts and turned to face him.

"I will never leave you," the other said softly.

_You won't, but I am the one who will be leaving. _

They stared into each other's eyes, vivid green meeting with deep lavender.

"We still have time," Tsuzuki said, his voice thick with fervent hope.

Hisoka didn't answer. He had once hoped, but he had long since learned that hope only led to pain.

He didn't dare to hope anymore, because he didn't want to get hurt again.

There were so many things that he wanted to say, but still didn't have the courage to.

He had once thought that time was the one thing he owned, but it seemed that even that had been taken away from him.

Tsuzuki once asked him if he wanted to change things.

Did he?

"_Ne, Hisoka, have you ever wished that sometimes it were things that changed instead of people?"_

"_I…I don't know." _

It was so much easier to run away by saying that he didn't know.

"_You know; you just haven't realized it yet."_

Tsuzuki was right. Deep inside his heart, he already knew his answer.

He couldn't afford to run away anymore.

What did he want?

He felt warm arms wrap around him from behind. Almost automatically, he leaned into that welcomed embrace.

He wanted…

But he was afraid.

He was afraid, but he didn't have the time to be afraid anymore.

"Why, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked quietly, the softness of his words tickling the edges of Hisoka's hearing.

Why indeed.

Why was he afraid? Tsuzuki would never hurt him.

Tsuzuki would never leave him.

"Tsuzuki…"

"Yes?"

"You once asked me…" The words caught in his throat. If he made the wrong decision…

"You once asked me if…if I wanted to change things," Hisoka whispered, unable to keep the slight tremor from entering his voice.

"I remember."

"I…I want…"

To his surprise, Tsuzuki pulled him closer and rested his chin gently on Hisoka's forehead.

"I know."

Tsuzuki knew…he knew.

Tsuzuki's soothing presence washed over him in waves, offering the calm before the imminent storm.

Hisoka allowed Tsuzuki's emotions to flow through his soul as if they were his own. For a while, they stood there in mutual silence, simply enjoying each other's presence like they always did.

"Tsuzuki, what do you…?"

He could feel the other smiling behind him. Inside his mind, he could see the momentary glow in those amethyst depths, the slight curve at the edges of Tsuzuki's mouth.

He could hear Tsuzuki laughing softly through their bond.

"It depends." It was still the same answer that Tsuzuki gave him last time.

Hisoka turned slightly to catch the other's eyes. Tsuzuki's eyes were still twinkling, reflecting the rays of sunlight in a way that made them seem like sparkling gems.

Tsuzuki had always been the most wonderful person he had ever met.

"If you don't want that as an answer…" Tsuzuki turned him around so that they now faced each other.

"I want whatever you want," Tsuzuki said softly, gently brushing back the stray bangs that partially covered Hisoka's eyes.

"_I want whatever you want."_

There was nothing anyone could offer that would outweigh the strength of Tsuzuki's words.

Just with those simple words, Tsuzuki had given him everything.

He could feel the other gently thumbing away the tears at the edges of his eyes. He didn't know that he had begun to cry.

He could feel Tsuzuki pouring his feelings for him through their bond.

_:: Affection adoration care concern warmth fondness attachment… ::_

_:: Love ::_

Tsuzuki wanted what he wanted.

It was perfect.

"I…I…" Hisoka wanted to tell the other what he felt, wanted to let Tsuzuki know what Tsuzuki had just shown him.

He found that he couldn't bring himself to say it.

He had never hated himself more.

"You don't have to tell me," Tsuzuki said with a smile.

Tapping the Hisoka's nose almost playfully, he said, "I can already feel it."

Hisoka looked down uncertainly. "I don't know…if it's the same."

"It is."

Tsuzuki pulled him into his arms again. "I know; it is."

"But there is something else that I want as well…something besides what we both want."

Hisoka looked up at him in askance.

Tsuzuki winked at him. "For now it can be a secret. You can try guessing what it is, but I don't promise cookies if you manage to come up with the answer."

Hisoka snorted. "Cookies would have been too much to expect of you." He jabbed Tsuzuki in his side, and rolled his eyes as Tsuzuki wailed in faked torment.

"It's only fair! _I_ don't need help knowing what _you_ want! You could at least put more effort into this relationship!"

His heart lurched. "Relationship?"

"I won't let you leave me." Tsuzuki gripped his hand hard enough that he was sure he was going to have bruises that were going to last him thirty seconds.

"We'll find a way, Hisoka." A familiar warmth settled upon his shoulders as Tsuzuki swung an arm across them protectively. "After all, we're partners, aren't we? We're supposed to stick together through thick and thin and face the worst of dangers hand in hand; we have this bond closer than that of mine with sugar, firmer than that of Tatsumi's with yen, more intimate than that of lovers…ouch!"

"Will you just shut up?" Hisoka snapped while silently cursing himself for blushing so _furiously_ he felt he was going to burst into flames any minute.

"But _Hisoka_…mmmph!"

He knew he was still blushing but oh it was _horribly_ satisfying to see Tsuzuki standing there, mouth agape, and with, perhaps, the start of a blush. And _he_ caused it.

"Hisoka!!!!!!!!!!!" Tsuzuki wailed after a full minute's pause. "You can't just…whatever and leave it like that!"

"Shut up, idiot!"

"You just mo…OUCH!"

Three years…it seemed barely enough.

Dreams were like that. The nightmares would last forever, and the sweet fancies would pass by without you even noticing it.

But one would say that the value of life isn't in how long life is, but in how life is led.

Perhaps one should feel fortunate if one were to be given a chance to remain after death.

One life…one existence, both painfully brief.

The life was a nightmare, the existence a dream so sweet that you never want to wake up.

You never had a choice on when you wanted to wake up.

Was it fate that made the decision?

Or was it, like some romantics would say, the power of love that would transcend all barriers?

To two such lives or existences, it was neither. What they believed in was the strength of trust, faith, and conviction, the knowledge that they would always be in each other's minds and the unfailing understanding that they shared with each other.

It was something that surpassed even the so-called power of love.

Love might fade or even turn bitter. Love could never defeat the control that death had over lives.

The bonding of souls was eternal. It was something that even death would be powerless to seize. It was something that would continue, even if love were to fade and the devotion were to cease.

It was something that would remain till the end of days.

Be it three years or an eternity, they would be together.

Three years…three years before they might have to part.

But no matter what happened, the bond would forever remain.

They could forget the other's name, appearance; they might even forget the other's touch or smile.

But they could never forget each other's place in their hearts, could never forget that they once existed in each other's minds.

Three years…?

Be it three years or an eternity…

For now…it was enough.


End file.
